Officially Unofficial

Yesterday I became unofficially an official adult. I say official, because at 18 years old, I am considered an adult in the eyes of the government, and I can get my full license, the one that is printed horizontally instead of the tall way. It's unofficial, because there is plenty I have to learn before I can become the type of adult capable of living on my own or being what is considered a grown-up. I still feel like a child. A child with increasing responsibilities, but a child nonetheless. And I really wouldn't want it any other way.

When my mom died, I felt that I had to grow up much faster than I would have otherwise. I was on my own, or more so with her absence. There was no one to hide behind when someone I didn't know approached me. I had to start acting for myself. That initial realization startled me; I didn't want to be on my own. But I quickly grew into the part. My self awareness and spiritual intelligence has even caused some people I work with to believe that, when I tell them I'm a senior, they assume college. That's another thing: work. It's almost expected that by the age of 16, teenagers have or are searching for jobs. It's become the regularity of our time. It's true, students are way overburdened when compared to the way people have lived just 10 years ago. But why the change? Perhaps it's because being an expert in one thing is no longer exceptable or understandable. Businessmen want the Renaissance men, the ones who can do it all and adapt quickly. Picking on kids for being studious and working hard isn't really the norm in this day and age, at least not in my high school. Things change, as they always do.

Change is never something to worry about. It's not something we control. The only thing we can control is how we feel about it. It's more fun to ride the roller coaster if we accept the big drop coming up ahead, rather than try to push against it and make the car stop with our minds (this coming from a person who hates to ride roller coasters, ironically). It's the same premise as letting go of the oars when paddling upstream. There are times when the best way to be happy is to just let go.

I've been taking an Eastern Faiths class in school, and I find it a lot of fun. Hinduism and Buddhism are both religions that I seem to agree a lot with. It corresponds to the teachings of Abraham-Hicks, except for the gods and the karma. It's a cool belief system. Everything that I have encountered in my life experience thus far has led me to realize that I can never be alone. I live in a world full of love, full of appreciation, and full of acceptance. There is nothing that cannot be achieved. Being one year older certainly makes it seem that way. I have so many options at my fingertips, I don't even have to choose definitively. Things will always open, and we will never get it done.

Happy Thanksgiving!

There is absolutely nothing that screams out "Thanksgiving" to me quite like the smell of pumpkin pie. Sure, the sudden snow storm today helped some, plus the Christmas music playing on the radio. But pumpkin pie belongs to Thanksgiving. I remember going to my great aunt and uncle's house to eat way too much food, then miraculously have a little room for dessert. To my brothers and me, that dessert is singular to the experience.

Though it would seem that we were the only ones who noticed. When I asked if anyone was bringing pumpkin pie this year, I got a confused "no... why?" So of course I insisted on making not one,  but two pies. And I must say, the smell is incredible. Halfway through the preparation, I started to have a lot of fun. I may be choosing to major in culinary, but I really do love baking too.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I intend to spend it happily with my family (luckily we aren't one of those dysfunctional bickering families that gets together for the holidays for a brawl). I wish the same to each of you. Happy Thanksgiving!

Being a Junior is Pretty Awesome

Things have been going very well for me as of late. With the coming of spring, the tennis season has officially started. Before that were four glorious performances in the all-school musical The Producers. I didn't get to see much from the pit ensemble, as my back was turned and it was more professional not to keep turning around and gawking at the actors.

This year tennis has started out beautifully. I feel like I'm really coming into my own as a junior. This year, walking into the first practice was more like returning to something that was very comfortable. It helps a great deal that I am one of the oldest kids there; a veteran on the courts. The Varsity team voted on our captains this year, and I am one of them! I am a co-captain along with my friend Maris. I always had a vision that, if  were to be captain, it would be with her. We've been friends ever since we were in kindergarten, and it just seemed right. Plus she's such a people person that it would have been silly if she didn't get it. My only worry was whether or not I would also be captain this year. It's something I have always wanted, but I never know how I come across to people, since I'm me and my views are somewhat biased. So yay! We just had our first match today with great success. Tomorrow we face our "rivals" in Marlboro (I personally have no problem with them). After that, my dad has to pick me up from the courts so I can be on time for a rehearsal with the Metropolitan Wind Symphony, where me and two other students at my school have been chosen to be musical guests. The ensemble does this every year, where they invite students from high school to come join them. My band director is a member of the group, so he signed us up.

In a couple weeks, I will be getting on a plane to go to Germany! It's all becoming very real for me, especially when I marked the dates on my calendar at the start of this month. My host family emailed me, and they seem extremely nice. One of the girls is named Sarah, which I like because it's easy to pronounce. She has three cats and one dog, so I know that's going to be fun. And homesickness is much easier to deal with when there are animals around. Her mother loves cooking, and promised to make me a German meal. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'm willing to try anything, especially things that will broaden my horizons to what goes on in the rest of the world. When you live in one country your entire life, it's like your in your own isolated box; you couldn't possibly know what's really going on around you unless you travel there and see it for yourself. I plan on doing more traveling in my life to places like London, Italy, and France. Mostly tourist destinations, but we'll see as my views and ideas change. Things are going really well right now. Now I just need Simon to feel better and everything will be perfect!

Johnson & Wales University

I have completely forgotten to write about my experience last Friday. My dad and I drove to Providence, Rhode Island to tour Johnson & Wales. Before I dive in, I first have to explain the importance of this day.

Ever since I decided that I wanted to go into culinary, Johnson & Wales has been on my radar. My grandmother is the one who first told me about the school. I was in 8th grade, and I needed to follow someone around in the career I desired for "Shadow Day." I ended up shadowing my cousin, who works as a private chef, but I always remembered Johnson & Wales. The name kept coming up throughout my years as a high schooler, even meeting graduates and learning about their experiences, until I got the chance to see what it was like for myself.

At first, it didn't appear to be much. The surrounding area wasn't great. There were lots of dumpsters filled with God knows what and it seemed very untidy. The day was very foggy and overall gloomy, so I wasn't feeling particularly confident. To be honest, I felt scared. I couldn't really figure out why until I realized that it was very important to me that this school was good. It had to be, or else it was like I was starting from square one. I can't really explain it even now after I've had some time to find the words.

Eventually, the tour began and we were taken into a room with a high ceiling and chairs lined up in rows. In the front of the room there was a table with many cooking supplies set up. There was a single portable stove top which had a saute pan on top. There was an open case with many utilities that a chef would need, as well as four textbooks on display. Our guide began by giving us a cooking demonstration of chicken thighs in a mango tomato sauce. It was really delicious, and a perfect visual to remind me just why I want to do what I'm doing. After that, we were handed down to another tour guide who showed us around the campus. The place seems pretty wonderful, stocked full of many kitchens. They have many professors, so I would be getting different input from different perspectives, giving me the chance to see what my style really is. I think I most want to be a chef because of the knife work. I really like chopping things. Not for the violence of it, but because when I do, I just feel so professional. It's really one of the only things, other than the knowledge and experience, that can immediately tell people who is the chef and who isn't.

I felt really excited to begin my culinary career walking through that building. The only thing that I found less desirable were the dorms. Or at least the freshmen dorms, since they told us that there are some rooms that you can get that are private with their own bathrooms, almost like a hotel. They weren't even meant to be dorms when they were built until J&W bought them. Generally, I am uncomfortable thinking of the situation I will be put in, having to sleep with other people around, and also to shower in a room that may have stalls (I don't really know how that whole thing is set up). I know people get by just fine, and I'm sure I will too, it's just something that I am trying to figure out in the meantime. Ideally, I would love to have a roommate in a space that isn't overly crowded, where we have a whole system worked out with the TV and mini fridge. The place didn't smell great, but that's easily fixable with a Febreze air freshener. And I would be spending most of my time in classes or in the library anyway, so the dorm wouldn't be that big of a deal. They have the type of beds that are propped up on the dressers, making it unreasonably tall for easy access, so it's lucky I don't usually roll out of bed in my sleep.

I can sort of see myself in this place. There's a tennis team and many clubs, which is the advantage of attending a university. I'll have to see what other schools bring. On my list, there are two more to go, the Culinary Institute of America in New York, and the New England Culinary Institute in Vermont.

Southern New Hampshire University

I toured my first college yesterday. It was a lot of fun. My dad and I left the house at 11:45 and drove up to New Hampshire to visit SNHU. I don't really know what I was expecting from the school; I didn't even know it had a culinary program until recently. But it does and apparently it is quite good.

We went through the basic tour with everyone else that was considering this school. Our tour guide was Brad and he showed us the basic things like dorm rooms and the athletics hall. Basically all the places that he would hang out day to day. It was fun and it really told me how small and individualized the school's approach is, and also how open the environment is with all the students. The classes there wouldn't be much bigger than they are in high school, about 20 people, and the campus itself is small, so it's a guarantee that you could easily find your way around after a month. I'm still not entirely sure what I would like in a college, that's why I'm just trying different places seeing what it is a good fit.

Well after that generalized tour, my dad and I got some food at the cafeteria and met up with my friend who attends the school. She is majoring in math, but her roommate is a baking and pastry major, so she actually knew quite a lot about the program. She took us to the Hospitality Center, which is where all the classes would be held. That's also where their restaurant The Quill is. What's special about this place is how their students get to work dinners and lunches in The Quill (and they get to keep the tips). It's a nice way to tell people what they are in for in working for a restaurant. I believe it's only the more advanced students that do the cooking, and the others are waiters and waitresses. We walked into the restaurant area and I met the man in charge, Chris. He was very welcoming, even letting me into the kitchen, where people were cleaning up and eating leftovers. My dad and I basically got fed dinner, and my goodness, was it delicious! Some things were a bit heavily salted for my taste, but there were so many flavors in everything that it was unbelievable. I really wished that we hadn't gotten that food in the caf so I could have finished my plate. So at least I know that I would be learning how to make really good food. Chris gave us a very individualized tour which really helped answer my questions. He was extremely informative, even asking some passing by students to back up what he was saying. And yet he wasn't pushy, saying that this was the school for me. He recommended that I try other schools to really see what is the right fit for me. After my visit, I feel more comfortable with this school and it is definitely more present in my thoughts of places I would like to go.

Still, I can't completely picture myself going there. The whole time I was walking the streets, I was trying to visualize what it would be like if it were me attending this school and walking through the hallways as if I knew exactly where I was going, but for some reason it didn't fit quite right.That could just be my nerves, so I'm going to disregard it for now. My dad told me today that we will be touring Johnson & Wales University in Providence, Rhode Island on Friday, so that should be fun. I hope we get fed there too. The key is to do the generalized tour and listen to what they have to say, but afterwards, just wander around and see if you can find some students and ask them what it's like and why they chose the school they're in. You'll get a lot more information and added confidence in your final choice. Wow, I really sound like an informational pamphlet right now. I thought it would help to write my thoughts on this school before they were clouded by my impressions of other schools. It can get jumbled up in my head. So I figure this will be a great way to keep it all neat and straight, and also to share my excitement with my friends!

'Til next time!

Results

Well, it looks like everyone got into all-states...except me. It feels like something out of a book. The main character is the single one left out That just means I'm the most important character. That's how the story always goes: there's an energetic song with a promo of me working harder in it in a very short amount of time, and then we fast forward to next year when I finally get in. Then there's cheering as I'm lifted high onto the shoulders of my peers. Roll credits.

Thankfully, lives aren't always like movies. It would be too predictable if it were, and I really enjoy the spontaneity that life has to offer. Mr. Caron tells me that I was close. I missed the cutoff by 16 points, which is odd since 16 is my favorite number. It hasn't exactly served me well this time. It would have been nice to perform at Symphony Hall.

I have sectioned out this week to care about my results and allow myself to feel upset or hurt over them. After this period is over, it's time to move on. I should use this system more often, because to be honest, I'm a little hurt by what happened. I understand that they didn't let me in and I feel that I was given a score that was more than fair. But the fact that I was the only one in my school who didn't make it in is what upsets me. It would be better if at least one of them hadn't gotten in. I know that's selfish, but what do you care? These are my thoughts, and they're allowed to be selfish and biased. It's not as if I'm not immensely proud for the way my school is represented, that all these wonderful performers are now able to really show off their talents, many of them planning to go into musical careers. That's it: outweigh the negative with the positive, because you can always find more positive things to talk about once you get the hang of it. That's why I am allowing myself to feel a little mad before I can accept it. If I try to suppress what I feel and pour consolations into my mind now, it will just be bottled up. This way, I can release it and really truly move on. The song I got to play was a lot of fun and I still think that I did the very best I could in that audition. I will leave with more good memories than bad. I'm still auditioning next year, because after that it will all be over.

It really donned on me recently that by this time next year, I will be well into my senior year and applying to colleges. I'll be writing applications and applying for scholarships, plus any essay that are required for that. The guidance department is already having us plan out our classes next year. It's a tough decision, because I'm not completely aware of my limits and what I can handle versus what will be too easy or too hard. Should I take the first level of AP Calculus or the second? And what about AP English? There's a lot to think about, the least of which is what will look good on a transcript. My friend was recently talking to me, and she was talking about choosing classes based on what colleges would want to see. What I said to that was that the aspect of what colleges want shouldn't be as important on your list as what you want to do. If you stay true to that, then any college you want is going to love you. A teacher recently said to my brother that the fact that we are getting good grades in a highly rated high school is enough that colleges are gonna want us. It certainly makes me feel better to think that, because the guidance counselors have only succeeded in stressing us out to the point where we feel like we should be doing more, but there's nothing for us to actually do at this point. It feels like those dreams, where there's something chasing you but for some reason you can't run, and if you can you're going very slowly, as if you're on a treadmill. I much prefer the dreams where I can leap into the air and take off with my spontaneous wings as fast and as high as I like.

Letting Go of the Oars

I think my All-States audition went as well as it possibly could have. I mean, I totally bombed the sight-reading piece, but who wouldn't?? That thing changed time signatures every measure! First it was 3/4, then it was 5/8, and then it was common time for only two measures before switching to 7/4, and so on. I'm just glad he didn't make me play the entire thing. Everything else though felt great. I played everything as well as I had in my practices, simply because I wasn't nervous. I think I've auditioned for these things so often that I've finally gotten to the point where it's no big deal. If you do something enough, it becomes second nature. I am already proud of myself for getting this far, it would be wonderful to get in. All I can think about right now is seeing that confirmation email from Mr. Caron telling me that I managed something that I never would have though possible just one year ago. It boosts me up so much that I'm not even allowing my mind to wander to how I would feel if the outcome were different. I would be playing in Symphony Hall! I don't care about getting my hopes up and having them be misled. Because feeling this way is wonderful, and to even have this in this moment is better than anything else I could be feeling instead. Why would I pull myself down and sink when it feels so much better to hold myself up and fly.

Luckily for me, the process is now entirely out of my hands. It's up to the managers of the band and the universe to line this up for me. My band director will email me as soon as he gets word of the results. All I have to do is wait and remember that everything always works out for me. There's a little story my mom once told me about letting go of resistance. Picture this in a nice soothing voice:

You are sitting on a boat in a soft flowing river. You look upstream and decide you want to go there. You take the oars and begin paddling upstream, but the current is too strong. You keep pulling and pulling, but to no avail. The more you try, the harder it gets and the more frustrated you feel. Then, with a sense of resolution, you place the oars back in your boat. You lay down and close your eyes, letting the babbling current take you downstream. You feel relaxed, and you are free.

That's what life is meant to be.

(By the way, here's the Boston Symphony Hall. Isn't it fantastic?!)