Officially Unofficial

Yesterday I became unofficially an official adult. I say official, because at 18 years old, I am considered an adult in the eyes of the government, and I can get my full license, the one that is printed horizontally instead of the tall way. It's unofficial, because there is plenty I have to learn before I can become the type of adult capable of living on my own or being what is considered a grown-up. I still feel like a child. A child with increasing responsibilities, but a child nonetheless. And I really wouldn't want it any other way.

When my mom died, I felt that I had to grow up much faster than I would have otherwise. I was on my own, or more so with her absence. There was no one to hide behind when someone I didn't know approached me. I had to start acting for myself. That initial realization startled me; I didn't want to be on my own. But I quickly grew into the part. My self awareness and spiritual intelligence has even caused some people I work with to believe that, when I tell them I'm a senior, they assume college. That's another thing: work. It's almost expected that by the age of 16, teenagers have or are searching for jobs. It's become the regularity of our time. It's true, students are way overburdened when compared to the way people have lived just 10 years ago. But why the change? Perhaps it's because being an expert in one thing is no longer exceptable or understandable. Businessmen want the Renaissance men, the ones who can do it all and adapt quickly. Picking on kids for being studious and working hard isn't really the norm in this day and age, at least not in my high school. Things change, as they always do.

Change is never something to worry about. It's not something we control. The only thing we can control is how we feel about it. It's more fun to ride the roller coaster if we accept the big drop coming up ahead, rather than try to push against it and make the car stop with our minds (this coming from a person who hates to ride roller coasters, ironically). It's the same premise as letting go of the oars when paddling upstream. There are times when the best way to be happy is to just let go.

I've been taking an Eastern Faiths class in school, and I find it a lot of fun. Hinduism and Buddhism are both religions that I seem to agree a lot with. It corresponds to the teachings of Abraham-Hicks, except for the gods and the karma. It's a cool belief system. Everything that I have encountered in my life experience thus far has led me to realize that I can never be alone. I live in a world full of love, full of appreciation, and full of acceptance. There is nothing that cannot be achieved. Being one year older certainly makes it seem that way. I have so many options at my fingertips, I don't even have to choose definitively. Things will always open, and we will never get it done.

Happy Thanksgiving!

There is absolutely nothing that screams out "Thanksgiving" to me quite like the smell of pumpkin pie. Sure, the sudden snow storm today helped some, plus the Christmas music playing on the radio. But pumpkin pie belongs to Thanksgiving. I remember going to my great aunt and uncle's house to eat way too much food, then miraculously have a little room for dessert. To my brothers and me, that dessert is singular to the experience.

Though it would seem that we were the only ones who noticed. When I asked if anyone was bringing pumpkin pie this year, I got a confused "no... why?" So of course I insisted on making not one,  but two pies. And I must say, the smell is incredible. Halfway through the preparation, I started to have a lot of fun. I may be choosing to major in culinary, but I really do love baking too.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I intend to spend it happily with my family (luckily we aren't one of those dysfunctional bickering families that gets together for the holidays for a brawl). I wish the same to each of you. Happy Thanksgiving!

Being a Junior is Pretty Awesome

Things have been going very well for me as of late. With the coming of spring, the tennis season has officially started. Before that were four glorious performances in the all-school musical The Producers. I didn't get to see much from the pit ensemble, as my back was turned and it was more professional not to keep turning around and gawking at the actors.

This year tennis has started out beautifully. I feel like I'm really coming into my own as a junior. This year, walking into the first practice was more like returning to something that was very comfortable. It helps a great deal that I am one of the oldest kids there; a veteran on the courts. The Varsity team voted on our captains this year, and I am one of them! I am a co-captain along with my friend Maris. I always had a vision that, if  were to be captain, it would be with her. We've been friends ever since we were in kindergarten, and it just seemed right. Plus she's such a people person that it would have been silly if she didn't get it. My only worry was whether or not I would also be captain this year. It's something I have always wanted, but I never know how I come across to people, since I'm me and my views are somewhat biased. So yay! We just had our first match today with great success. Tomorrow we face our "rivals" in Marlboro (I personally have no problem with them). After that, my dad has to pick me up from the courts so I can be on time for a rehearsal with the Metropolitan Wind Symphony, where me and two other students at my school have been chosen to be musical guests. The ensemble does this every year, where they invite students from high school to come join them. My band director is a member of the group, so he signed us up.

In a couple weeks, I will be getting on a plane to go to Germany! It's all becoming very real for me, especially when I marked the dates on my calendar at the start of this month. My host family emailed me, and they seem extremely nice. One of the girls is named Sarah, which I like because it's easy to pronounce. She has three cats and one dog, so I know that's going to be fun. And homesickness is much easier to deal with when there are animals around. Her mother loves cooking, and promised to make me a German meal. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'm willing to try anything, especially things that will broaden my horizons to what goes on in the rest of the world. When you live in one country your entire life, it's like your in your own isolated box; you couldn't possibly know what's really going on around you unless you travel there and see it for yourself. I plan on doing more traveling in my life to places like London, Italy, and France. Mostly tourist destinations, but we'll see as my views and ideas change. Things are going really well right now. Now I just need Simon to feel better and everything will be perfect!

Johnson & Wales University

I have completely forgotten to write about my experience last Friday. My dad and I drove to Providence, Rhode Island to tour Johnson & Wales. Before I dive in, I first have to explain the importance of this day.

Ever since I decided that I wanted to go into culinary, Johnson & Wales has been on my radar. My grandmother is the one who first told me about the school. I was in 8th grade, and I needed to follow someone around in the career I desired for "Shadow Day." I ended up shadowing my cousin, who works as a private chef, but I always remembered Johnson & Wales. The name kept coming up throughout my years as a high schooler, even meeting graduates and learning about their experiences, until I got the chance to see what it was like for myself.

At first, it didn't appear to be much. The surrounding area wasn't great. There were lots of dumpsters filled with God knows what and it seemed very untidy. The day was very foggy and overall gloomy, so I wasn't feeling particularly confident. To be honest, I felt scared. I couldn't really figure out why until I realized that it was very important to me that this school was good. It had to be, or else it was like I was starting from square one. I can't really explain it even now after I've had some time to find the words.

Eventually, the tour began and we were taken into a room with a high ceiling and chairs lined up in rows. In the front of the room there was a table with many cooking supplies set up. There was a single portable stove top which had a saute pan on top. There was an open case with many utilities that a chef would need, as well as four textbooks on display. Our guide began by giving us a cooking demonstration of chicken thighs in a mango tomato sauce. It was really delicious, and a perfect visual to remind me just why I want to do what I'm doing. After that, we were handed down to another tour guide who showed us around the campus. The place seems pretty wonderful, stocked full of many kitchens. They have many professors, so I would be getting different input from different perspectives, giving me the chance to see what my style really is. I think I most want to be a chef because of the knife work. I really like chopping things. Not for the violence of it, but because when I do, I just feel so professional. It's really one of the only things, other than the knowledge and experience, that can immediately tell people who is the chef and who isn't.

I felt really excited to begin my culinary career walking through that building. The only thing that I found less desirable were the dorms. Or at least the freshmen dorms, since they told us that there are some rooms that you can get that are private with their own bathrooms, almost like a hotel. They weren't even meant to be dorms when they were built until J&W bought them. Generally, I am uncomfortable thinking of the situation I will be put in, having to sleep with other people around, and also to shower in a room that may have stalls (I don't really know how that whole thing is set up). I know people get by just fine, and I'm sure I will too, it's just something that I am trying to figure out in the meantime. Ideally, I would love to have a roommate in a space that isn't overly crowded, where we have a whole system worked out with the TV and mini fridge. The place didn't smell great, but that's easily fixable with a Febreze air freshener. And I would be spending most of my time in classes or in the library anyway, so the dorm wouldn't be that big of a deal. They have the type of beds that are propped up on the dressers, making it unreasonably tall for easy access, so it's lucky I don't usually roll out of bed in my sleep.

I can sort of see myself in this place. There's a tennis team and many clubs, which is the advantage of attending a university. I'll have to see what other schools bring. On my list, there are two more to go, the Culinary Institute of America in New York, and the New England Culinary Institute in Vermont.

Southern New Hampshire University

I toured my first college yesterday. It was a lot of fun. My dad and I left the house at 11:45 and drove up to New Hampshire to visit SNHU. I don't really know what I was expecting from the school; I didn't even know it had a culinary program until recently. But it does and apparently it is quite good.

We went through the basic tour with everyone else that was considering this school. Our tour guide was Brad and he showed us the basic things like dorm rooms and the athletics hall. Basically all the places that he would hang out day to day. It was fun and it really told me how small and individualized the school's approach is, and also how open the environment is with all the students. The classes there wouldn't be much bigger than they are in high school, about 20 people, and the campus itself is small, so it's a guarantee that you could easily find your way around after a month. I'm still not entirely sure what I would like in a college, that's why I'm just trying different places seeing what it is a good fit.

Well after that generalized tour, my dad and I got some food at the cafeteria and met up with my friend who attends the school. She is majoring in math, but her roommate is a baking and pastry major, so she actually knew quite a lot about the program. She took us to the Hospitality Center, which is where all the classes would be held. That's also where their restaurant The Quill is. What's special about this place is how their students get to work dinners and lunches in The Quill (and they get to keep the tips). It's a nice way to tell people what they are in for in working for a restaurant. I believe it's only the more advanced students that do the cooking, and the others are waiters and waitresses. We walked into the restaurant area and I met the man in charge, Chris. He was very welcoming, even letting me into the kitchen, where people were cleaning up and eating leftovers. My dad and I basically got fed dinner, and my goodness, was it delicious! Some things were a bit heavily salted for my taste, but there were so many flavors in everything that it was unbelievable. I really wished that we hadn't gotten that food in the caf so I could have finished my plate. So at least I know that I would be learning how to make really good food. Chris gave us a very individualized tour which really helped answer my questions. He was extremely informative, even asking some passing by students to back up what he was saying. And yet he wasn't pushy, saying that this was the school for me. He recommended that I try other schools to really see what is the right fit for me. After my visit, I feel more comfortable with this school and it is definitely more present in my thoughts of places I would like to go.

Still, I can't completely picture myself going there. The whole time I was walking the streets, I was trying to visualize what it would be like if it were me attending this school and walking through the hallways as if I knew exactly where I was going, but for some reason it didn't fit quite right.That could just be my nerves, so I'm going to disregard it for now. My dad told me today that we will be touring Johnson & Wales University in Providence, Rhode Island on Friday, so that should be fun. I hope we get fed there too. The key is to do the generalized tour and listen to what they have to say, but afterwards, just wander around and see if you can find some students and ask them what it's like and why they chose the school they're in. You'll get a lot more information and added confidence in your final choice. Wow, I really sound like an informational pamphlet right now. I thought it would help to write my thoughts on this school before they were clouded by my impressions of other schools. It can get jumbled up in my head. So I figure this will be a great way to keep it all neat and straight, and also to share my excitement with my friends!

'Til next time!

Results

Well, it looks like everyone got into all-states...except me. It feels like something out of a book. The main character is the single one left out That just means I'm the most important character. That's how the story always goes: there's an energetic song with a promo of me working harder in it in a very short amount of time, and then we fast forward to next year when I finally get in. Then there's cheering as I'm lifted high onto the shoulders of my peers. Roll credits.

Thankfully, lives aren't always like movies. It would be too predictable if it were, and I really enjoy the spontaneity that life has to offer. Mr. Caron tells me that I was close. I missed the cutoff by 16 points, which is odd since 16 is my favorite number. It hasn't exactly served me well this time. It would have been nice to perform at Symphony Hall.

I have sectioned out this week to care about my results and allow myself to feel upset or hurt over them. After this period is over, it's time to move on. I should use this system more often, because to be honest, I'm a little hurt by what happened. I understand that they didn't let me in and I feel that I was given a score that was more than fair. But the fact that I was the only one in my school who didn't make it in is what upsets me. It would be better if at least one of them hadn't gotten in. I know that's selfish, but what do you care? These are my thoughts, and they're allowed to be selfish and biased. It's not as if I'm not immensely proud for the way my school is represented, that all these wonderful performers are now able to really show off their talents, many of them planning to go into musical careers. That's it: outweigh the negative with the positive, because you can always find more positive things to talk about once you get the hang of it. That's why I am allowing myself to feel a little mad before I can accept it. If I try to suppress what I feel and pour consolations into my mind now, it will just be bottled up. This way, I can release it and really truly move on. The song I got to play was a lot of fun and I still think that I did the very best I could in that audition. I will leave with more good memories than bad. I'm still auditioning next year, because after that it will all be over.

It really donned on me recently that by this time next year, I will be well into my senior year and applying to colleges. I'll be writing applications and applying for scholarships, plus any essay that are required for that. The guidance department is already having us plan out our classes next year. It's a tough decision, because I'm not completely aware of my limits and what I can handle versus what will be too easy or too hard. Should I take the first level of AP Calculus or the second? And what about AP English? There's a lot to think about, the least of which is what will look good on a transcript. My friend was recently talking to me, and she was talking about choosing classes based on what colleges would want to see. What I said to that was that the aspect of what colleges want shouldn't be as important on your list as what you want to do. If you stay true to that, then any college you want is going to love you. A teacher recently said to my brother that the fact that we are getting good grades in a highly rated high school is enough that colleges are gonna want us. It certainly makes me feel better to think that, because the guidance counselors have only succeeded in stressing us out to the point where we feel like we should be doing more, but there's nothing for us to actually do at this point. It feels like those dreams, where there's something chasing you but for some reason you can't run, and if you can you're going very slowly, as if you're on a treadmill. I much prefer the dreams where I can leap into the air and take off with my spontaneous wings as fast and as high as I like.

Letting Go of the Oars

I think my All-States audition went as well as it possibly could have. I mean, I totally bombed the sight-reading piece, but who wouldn't?? That thing changed time signatures every measure! First it was 3/4, then it was 5/8, and then it was common time for only two measures before switching to 7/4, and so on. I'm just glad he didn't make me play the entire thing. Everything else though felt great. I played everything as well as I had in my practices, simply because I wasn't nervous. I think I've auditioned for these things so often that I've finally gotten to the point where it's no big deal. If you do something enough, it becomes second nature. I am already proud of myself for getting this far, it would be wonderful to get in. All I can think about right now is seeing that confirmation email from Mr. Caron telling me that I managed something that I never would have though possible just one year ago. It boosts me up so much that I'm not even allowing my mind to wander to how I would feel if the outcome were different. I would be playing in Symphony Hall! I don't care about getting my hopes up and having them be misled. Because feeling this way is wonderful, and to even have this in this moment is better than anything else I could be feeling instead. Why would I pull myself down and sink when it feels so much better to hold myself up and fly.

Luckily for me, the process is now entirely out of my hands. It's up to the managers of the band and the universe to line this up for me. My band director will email me as soon as he gets word of the results. All I have to do is wait and remember that everything always works out for me. There's a little story my mom once told me about letting go of resistance. Picture this in a nice soothing voice:

You are sitting on a boat in a soft flowing river. You look upstream and decide you want to go there. You take the oars and begin paddling upstream, but the current is too strong. You keep pulling and pulling, but to no avail. The more you try, the harder it gets and the more frustrated you feel. Then, with a sense of resolution, you place the oars back in your boat. You lay down and close your eyes, letting the babbling current take you downstream. You feel relaxed, and you are free.

That's what life is meant to be.

(By the way, here's the Boston Symphony Hall. Isn't it fantastic?!)

Almost There

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I was accepted into the Senior District Concert Band. This was the first time that I have been accepted in 3 years of auditioning, starting my freshmen year, though I auditioned twice for the Junior Districts when I was in middle school. The only reason I didn't audition in 8th grade was because my grade took a school trip to Washington D.C., a "do-not-miss" opportunity.

Anyway, I have a theory as to why I got in with the second highest score and a recommendation for all-states. Usually, the audition would consist of me playing only my primary instrument, the snare drum. I would play the assigned audition piece, do some rudiments and drum rolls, and then I would sightread a piece taped to the music stand. But it never seemed to be enough. There were those few people that would just edge me out. Each year I was getting closer and closer. This year, I told myself that if I didn't make it this time, then I wouldn't audition in my senior year. The feeling of working so hard yet being faced with the disappointment of only just missing the mark had built up over the years and I didn't think I could do it again. Lucky for me, I did get in this year and the joy and love I felt for participating in that amazing group does more than make up for the years I had to watch as my brother got a near perfect score every time and got to play on that stage in Mechanics Hall. This year, they not only had me play my snare drum, but also I was to play timpani, mallets (xylophone, marimba, etc.), and two auxiliary instruments (I was asked to play bass drum and triangle). It was a blast. The best thing about the percussion section is that there is such a vast arrangement of instruments that I have the opportunity to play. Each year, I am learning about a new one. This year it was the "whirly tube," a contraption that looked very much like a giant bendy straw that you would whirl around your head to make a whistling sound as the air passed through it. So to be able to audition and show people that I can do more than bang on a drum (though even with that, there's a lot more to it).

And tomorrow, I will be auditioning for All-States. It would mean the world to me if I managed to get in. In Districts, I was up against the best in the district, but now, I'm up with the best of the best in the state of Massachusetts. It's a little nerve-wracking, I'll admit, but at the same time, I wouldn't have it any other way. My favorite part of being with the district band was playing with such talented musicians. We worked so hard to get where we all were. And there's something to be said about people who come together under a common purpose. Music is a great joy in the lives of anyone who lives within its realm. To be involved in music in any way, whether playing or actively listening, it has been proven to improve your entire well-being. My conductor in the Districts even said that music students have tested with a higher GPA than other students. I don't know what I would be doing if music were not in my life as it is now. I just watched Les Miserables, so I'm even more nostalgic for the sound of a great orchestra. Not sure if I used that word right, but oh well, it really sounded like it fit.

I don't think I could be anymore prepared for this audition than I am right now, in this moment. I have been staying after with my band director, Mr. Caron, every day this week. I've also had my mid-terms this week, which means that I've had a half day all week, giving me even more time to practice and reassure myself that I am capable of doing this. I've made it this far, and now Symphony Hall is right within my sights. I am so close. I don't care if I don't get in. Actually, that's a lie, I would care a lot. What I mean is that I feel great just being here, where I am right now, before even setting foot in that audition room. I've learned the music, I've prepared the rudiments, and all the work to train my muscle memory has been done. All I have to do now is go into that school and show them why I love what I do. The most important thing that I do is that I enjoy what I'm doing and have fun. People pay attention to the ones that look joyful and thoroughly happy to be there. I want to be that person. The one about whom they say, "She is dedicated. She can do this."

Cymbal Catastrophe

On the night of January 18th, I performed in the Senior District Concert Band at Mechanics Hall in Worcester. It's taken three years for me to get in, and I am so happy that I have finally accomplished this. Also, I got a recommendation to audition for All-States! I will be up against the best people in the state, not just the district. The audition is this Saturday, the 25th. I'm nervous, but excited to be given this wonderful chance. Performing at Mechanics Hall was definitely one of the coolest things I have ever done. It was so amazing to play with such talented musicians. The conductor, Mr. Glen Adsit, was a joy to work with and overall a very cheerful guy. Each one of our rehearsals just flew by, they were so much fun. Every single group -- the orchestra, the jazz band, and the choir -- did a beautiful job and the majority of it went off without a hitch!

I say "majority" because of what happened during the band's performance. Specifically in the percussion section. It may have been me. Okay, it was me. But it wasn't my fault, I swear. 

In total, we played three pieces. The first was Give Us This Day by David Maslanka, a man who composes music by first meditating for hours. Afterwards, he sits down to to notate everything he heard and visualized while he was meditating. Then he walks away; the piece is completed. And man, this piece was truly incredible. I got to roll the gong to fortissimo! How often does sheet music call for that? It took me a couple tries just to get the gong loud enough so the audience would be able to hear me. And let me tell you, it's a lot of fun being told you can let loose and just whack something with all your strength. Maybe that's why I was so drawn to being a percussionist. Our next piece was Rest by Frank Ticheli, who is apparently good friends with Mr. Adsit. This piece was all about the transition into death. It was very beautiful, putting the audience in a relaxed state of mind, and even me, since I didn't have a part to play and I could just sit back and listen. Our final song was Galop by Dmitri Shastokovic. To help ready the audience for the rest of the concert, this piece was fast and upbeat. As you can imagine, it was about the tempo of a horse galloping. The conductor didn't want to have a long wait to start the song, so his plan was to step off his podium to take a bow for the applause after Rest, and then he would walk back to his spot and immediately begin the piece. Knowing this, I picked up the crash cymbals that I would be playing and got into place. Unfortunately, as I did so, the left cymbal suddenly decided it was done having a handle and wanted to be an individual. Or maybe the cymbal and the handle had a spat. Because, for whatever reason, the knot holding the cymbal in place came undone, and the cymbal crashed to the floor. 

It was just about the loudest thing that could have happened. Of all the instruments, the loudest one just had to fall after the beautiful peaceful melody. It did get some laughter from the audience, and they were now definitely awake and ready for the next piece. I'm sure some people in the balcony could see what had happened, and that I did not actually drop the cymbal. It dropped itself; there was nothing I could do. I do apologize for my disruption, and perhaps I would even be embarrassed if it had been my fault. Actually, I find the whole thing really hilarious, and I've been enjoying telling people. It was a pretty perfect moment for it to fall. It wasn't in the middle of a piece and it gave me enough time to improvise and use the suspended cymbal with a drum stick instead. I'm sure that the director understood what had happened as soon as he collected the cymbals and saw a disconnected handle lying next to them. I certainly hope they let me back in next year. I really did have a lot of fun with everyone.