It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Which is unfortunate, because Christmas has already come and gone. Now it's just a nuisance. Especially because I will be getting my permit on Monday, and I would like to begin driving as soon a possible. I do NOT plan on going out on these slippery roads. Not until I have some experience under my belt. I can use that expression because I wear a belt.

There are times when I feel like I am re-using titles. I hope that's not the case, because this title really fits for that beginning sentence I had going there. Didja like that? I thought it was clever. But it's 11:00 on a Saturday night, so what do I know?

I have the full intention of going outside tomorrow and building a snowman, or perhaps a snowball fight if I can find someone to join me. Oh, to be a child. Even if technically, that part of my life is ending.

Wait a minute!

No it's not!

Why would I suggest something like that? That childhood is something that fades away, and you are left to look forward and face it, without turning back. What a stupid way to live. There are those that believe that you need to "act your age" and be responsible and independent. Well you know what? NEWS FLASH: None of that matters As Long As You Are Happy (I'm capitalizing it because it's important). Success is not measured by how much money you make or how many friends you maintain. It's measured by the amount of joy you feel. The rest of that stuff will invite itself into your life, if you allow it. That which is like unto itself is drawn. In other words, anything similar to your wants and desires will be automatically attracted to your life and experience.

And just to show how tired I am. I have the urge to let out maniacal virtual laughter: Muahahahahaha!

I should really get some sleep. For once during this vacation, I have a day to myself where I can sleep as long as I like and do whatever I like. And man, I plan on enjoying it.

Watch Out, America

Here I am before you now, one year older. I have in my eyes a vision of what I would like for my future, even as far up as after college. Nothing is specifically laid out; I just know what I would like to end up happening. 

So I am now officially 16. In terms of females, that means I am now a woman. In terms of the law, I have to wait a couple of years. Ah well. 

I have been taking Driver's Ed for the past week. It's this program my town has where there are a total of five classes from 9:00 - 3:30. It's almost as long as a school day, but it feels a hell of a lot shorter. Maybe that's because I get an extra hour of sleep (because of the weather today I got an extra two hours). Sure, it sometimes feels like a bit of a drag, but you will never catch me saying that it's a waste of my time. I don't even care that I had to go to class on my birthday because I know that I am gaining knowledge that will become a part of me for the rest of my life. After this, I am going to get my permit, then I'll be driving on the road! The actual road, with other people and rules. It's like being thrown into the middle of society. I'm a bit frightened, but more excited.

My dad let me drive his car for the first time. Being that I do not yet have my permit, and being the responsible parent that he is, he took us to a nearby parking lot to practice the basic driving forward, accelerating, turning, and I even managed to park! After the experience, I evaluated what I just went through, as my mind tends to do. I realized that the idea of driving had been much scarier than actually taking it out for a spin. After a day, I really want to do it again! I deeply enjoyed the sense of entitlement that came forth when I placed my hands on the wheel. I have never heard any of my permit-owning friends be so excited about driving, but I really can't see why not. It's freaking amazing!

There have been stories told to us by our instructor about parents who immediately take their children out on busy roads. The child then proceeds to become really stressed, and then never wants to go out on the roads again. Knowing this now, I have told my dad to take baby steps. We will start with nice calm areas of town and work our way up. Plus, my dad pointed out, the back roads will give me good practice of hills. I plan to become a safe and defensive driver. Not only that: I plan to have fun while being a safe and defensive driver. In the words of my 7th grade English teacher Mr. Reynolds, there is no feeling like that of driving. (I'm remembering all the way back to 7th grade, so I don't think that's exactly how he worded it, but based on his usual speaking voice, I can guess that it was pretty close). I mean, what could you possibly compare the feeling of controlling a vehicle that takes you faster than walking? I haven't found it yet. I can't even come up with a good analogy to even tell anyone what driving is like.

So with these final thoughts I bid thee adieu. May your journey be safe and infinitely joyous. (I'm gonna use this for now on whenever I can't find an adequate way to sum everything up). 

Merry Christmas To All

Two years. That's how long it took for me to feel like myself again. Sure, there are still instances where I am disconnected from Who I Really Am, but for the most part, I think I can really focus on being happy with less regret.

Wanna know how I know?

It all has to do with Christmas. That's right, this merry holiday that allows adults to be children and children to get one sleepless night of pure imagination and magic. I've decided that, if given the choice between telling my future kids if Santa Claus exists or not, I will tell them he does. I had so much fun imagining him and his reindeer when I was little.
But anyway, as I was saying, Christmas this year is what leads me to believe that I am okay. Better than okay. Last year, I couldn't really get into the full spirit. I was happy to spend Christmas Eve with my family, but there was a cloud of despair hanging over us that we were trying to ignore, yet it managed to hang in our minds, like icicles.

But this year, I feel, will be different. I can just feel it. I have even been sneaking glances under the tree, trying to figure out which presents are mine. I've been practically giddy about the whole thing.
I've also had the responsibility of finding presents for my friends. They also got my homemade cheesecakes, which is be becoming a fast favorite. Along the road, I have found that I am a giver. I absolutely love giving people presents, because I want to make them feel happy. The cheesecakes are exhausting to make in that it involves a lot of standing around, and it's almost torture not being able to eat one...or ten. But all the same, I love doing it. Food brings smiles to people's faces. In the cooking class I took over the summer, we became close over our cooking. There's so much life that caught me off guard at first; I wasn't expecting so much love.

So obviously I have chosen to become a chef. Along with the reasons I have listed previously, I also love cooking because when I am in the kitchen creating something, I feel the most connected to Mom. I am brought back to those nights when she invited me into the kitchen to help her make dinner. And you know what? It always tasted better those nights. From wonderfully delicious to spectacular and intoxicating.

I would like to start a tradition of my own someday. I want my family to come over to my nicely sized house with its huge gourmet kitchen (that's my plan for my future home, in case someone thought I was actually bragging about my current home. My reality kitchen is pretty tiny. We never host holidays). My family would come in and we would all cook together, little kids excluded unless they want otherwise. We would all come together with our own recipes and goodies. The kitchen would be crowded and busy. And wonderful. I imagine us all talking and laughing, catching up on old times. Everyone would be opened up to a world of openness when they walk into my house. Then we'd all sit down at the decoratively set table, and the endless string of compliments over each dish would begin, spreading warmth through the at atmosphere.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

To the Human Brain

There's no doubt you've all heard. About the shooting in Newtown Connecticut, that is. I heard about it a few days ago, and I am faced now with a puzzling emotion: confusion. One of the things that truly fascinate me is the actions of people. How they react and why they do certain things. So I find it annoying when I truly have no idea why someone would do something. From what I'm told, this man shot his mother before going to the school and opening fire on the kids. People don't do these kinds of things just because their gun was lying around and they were bored. No. So what then? Did he have a case of mental illness that caused him insanity? That's the only explanation I can deem plausible. Perhaps that's why I love Sherlock Holmes so much.

People are a mess of craziness and self consciousness. We are taught things in our society that make little sense if we were to remove ourselves from the situation. Like that stupid unspoken rule that girls shouldn't fart. It happens! Deal with it! (from a person that you now know obviously farts).  Somehow, inside our heads with its unspoken rules and its guidelines that other people have created for their own purposes and expect you now to believe, it makes sense. We are not stifled by this overflow of different opinions. I think most of us are followers, myself included. And I officially think I've stopped making sense about now. But I'm going to keep typing anyway. Just to confuse you.

 You may have noticed that I have begun to put pictures in the front of my blog posts. I am doing this because I was inspired by author Leah Cohen. You see, she does this in her own blog, Love As A Found Object. After reading her blog posts, I noticed that I was connected to her in many ways. I was first introduced to her because my Creative Writing class would be meeting with her, and our teacher gave us an assignment to see her writing style and then create a prompt that reflected that in our own way. She and I are so similar, right down to our writing styles. We both like to show off our large vocabulary, whether we think it fits, or we are making a conscious decision to the audience. In my case, I'm a big show-off. I like how words can be so meticulously strung together to form a balance of words that while some people may think is too much, other people will stand back, take a deep breath, and feel the words that you have just written. 

We are also similar in that her mother died a little while ago of cancer. We both revere our mothers as someone who is so perfect that she makes all mothers obsolete. In my eye, my mom was such a gracious being. She cannot be pegged as similar to anyone else, because she was her own. She was the very definition of beauty, not in that she had the perfect looks -- she wasn't very confident in her weight -- but rather she was a being to be noticed. She is beautiful and she is the most wonderful person I know. Being that she was my mother makes my connection to her so much stronger. I do not believe that I am seeing her out of proportion simply because I can't see her anymore. 

It helps to talk. But not about my problems. I despise it. I would much rather talk about what I had for lunch. Because food makes me happy. Trust makes me happy. I don't choose to live in a world where I have to constantly watch my back. And for that, I do not lead a stressful life. My life does not have to be burdened because I trust. My vibration tells the Universe and thus the Universe responds. You can always have what you want. Animals make me happy. They live a judgment free, "feed me" life that lets them live eagerly and happy, ready to accept. 

Sorry if I flip-flopped around on subjects for a while. That's what a free-write is. No rules.

Rainy Days Lead To Sunny Skies

Last year, I was entering a dark time in my life. My mother had died only a year previously and I felt alone, having found nothing to turn to in order to distract my constant stream of thoughts and emotions. In that year, I decided to attend the annual Snowball Dance, so that I could finally give myself a night to have fun and be with friends.

Things didn't turn out so well. When most of your friends have dates, you tend to be the odd one out; the one who goes back to sit at the table because it feels better than awkwardly standing, hoping that somebody will talk to you, or ask you to dance. That night, I finally decided that I might have a case, if even a small one, of depression. It was time that I stopped living that way and finally make some progress in doing good for my own life. My first thought was to see a therapist, so I told my dad and he got me one. A very nice woman with a lovely smile. I believe that if the given circumstances had not been the case, that being that she was paid to talk to me, we may have been friends. That is, if there had ever been a time when I would have met her.

I went to her until that following spring, because my condition consists of something called SAD -- Seasonal Apprehension Disorder -- so it only occurs in the winter. During that spring, summer, and then autumn, I dreaded the time when my depression would return. I realize my condition wasn't even serious or even the worse case, but was still a heavy burden to carry. For someone like me, who is mentally incapable of  showing malice towards anyone, the feeling was heightened.

But that was last year.

This year, my schedule has proven to be my salvation. I have recently taken part in the play The Laramie Project, and although the subject is quite serious, I must say that I am enjoying myself. I have finally met these people that my brother treats as family, although there are a few that seriously creep me out. In this past week, I have come to curse the schedule and how it keeps me at school until slightly past my usual dinner time, leaving me very little time for sleep and talking to my friends. But now I realize how much it helps me. The Snowball Dance is approaching once more, and I have no doubts as to my emotions. The storm has been ridden out, and the sunny skies await.

Crème Brûlée

I love creme brûlée! Seriously, I think it might be the best dessert ever. It's so light and the "brûlée" portion adds a nice crunch. Before last week, the last time I had one was years before. The only specific thing I remember about it is the blackberries that were sitting on the top. When combined with the already flavorful custard, it was -- oh my god -- it was like, well, heaven I imagine. Just recently, I was having dinner with my family at this lovely Italian restaurant called Tomasso. It was the fanciest place I have ever eaten. When we walked to the door they offered to take our coats. Then we were seated and fully taken care of. It was very nice and relaxing, although there were times when I thought I shouldn't be laying my elbows on the table or talking too loud, in case they kicked people out for that. Luckily they didn't. And I am left with a very happy memory.

Color Me Confident

The scenery today is a glistening orb of amber. I say it's amber because it just rained, meaning that the sky is full of clouds. But there is a thin enough layer that the sun can peep out, casting an amber light over everything. When I walked downstairs and saw it for the first time, it almost seemed like a completely new world.

I have thought for a long time that I would really like to blog more. I put the website back on private, because I feel like I can type more freely if I know that only people I allow can see in to this side of the web.
Well anyways, I would love it if I blogged more. The world makes more sense to me if I can jot it down on paper or, in this case, virtual paper. If only I could find the time to sit down with my little Net Book that is currently the same purple as the pants I'm wearing (and my bed sheets and my wall! How strange is that? I hadn't even intended it). But alas, the life of a high school student leaves very little time to get your own stuff done. But that doesn't mean your whole life should be consumed by school work and lessons and community service and all that other stuff the guidance counselors tell you that colleges look for. For instance, right now, I am embarking on a journey of activities after school that I have never done before but thought I would enjoy. About two weeks ago, though it seems longer, I joined the school's Dance Team. A group of dancers are organized to perform during the Turkey Day pep rally and the Turkey Day football game. The people that get to dance in the pep rally are the better of the girls, since not all of us can fit onto the platform. And guess what? I GOT CHOSEN! It's amazing, really, because I'm not even a dancer (if you define a dancer as someone that has taken lessons and has lots of experience). The only time I have ever danced is this one year I did hip hop, but didn't enjoy it quite as much as I'd wanted to. And that was back in elementary school or early middle school. But me? on the advanced team?!?! I have been told that I really have a talent, which is good, because it's lots of fun.

Oh yeah, there was a second thing. Well, I also joined a play. We haven't really gotten started; we are going to do a read-through of the script late this afternoon. I found out about the audition the morning of, walked down there after dance rehearsal, read the part I was asked to read, and sang what they told me to sing. We did various scenes. It feels really strange to audition, I must say. But apparently I did well there too. I never thought that I had a lot of talents, other than being a musician of percussion and piano. I really thought that was where my talents lay. But now I come to find out that I have a lot more to offer.

What I'm ultimately hoping will happen is that as I get more comfortable with more people in my school, the younger grades not included, then I feel that I might just come out of my shell a little more. So many of my friends are able to do that, just let go of their inhibitions and go crazy! I really want to be able to do that. I do my best, but I feel very awkward. The first step, as far as I see it, before I can feel confident in the face of others, is to feel my best about myself. I want to feel healthy, look good, be amazing and awesome and the best person on the face of the earth. Well, I may have trailed off on that a little bit, but you can see my point, I'm sure.

Journal of Positive Aspects

I returned after a long lapse of time to reading my book Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires. I am currently on a long list of chapters that describe different techniques I can use if I like to be able to bring myself back to feeling naturally happy. Not that I have been sad or angry, I have just been feeling...weird is the best word I can use. Ever since school has started, I have not had much time to focus on much else, and my emotions kinda got the boot. So now I am making them my top priority. After all, one's success is only measured by that one's happiness.

So anyway, back to the book. I just read this chapter that strongly called to me. The object was to get a journal (mine is to be slightly used) and write Journal of Positive Aspects on the cover. With this book, I would write the subject of my good thoughts at the top and then list all the reasons why I love this item or person. It can literally be about anything. Abraham says to do this for 20 minutes, but I am not very good at limiting myself to time constraints, so I just do it for as long as I feel necessary. So far I've written about the very Net Book I am typing with, my stuffed teddy bear Stanley, and water. These are the first three things that came to my mind upon looking around my room. There are so many things that I feel appreciation for that I am sure this journal will be filled very soon. I haven't even begun to think of my friends, and I have many reasons for loving each of them. As I continue with this chain of good feelings, they will emerge into my everyday thoughts, until I will be able to find something pleasing in everything I look at. It always helps to gain a positive outlook on the things you gaze at on a daily basis. When this occurs, I will be able to find pleasure in just waking up in the morning, something I currently dread doing, just because my bed is so super comfy! I just wanna run to it and snuggle into my comforter just thinking about it.

You know what? I think that's what I am gonna do.
G'night!

It's a Nice Town After All

I begin my first day of sophomore year in high school tomorrow, if we must be specific, though I am not really nervous. Perhaps it is the repetition of having a first day so often that I do not feel the need to go over it in detail in my mind. I will simply show up, record the needed supplies for the next week, and then go back home to fill out the homework that always starts with asking us a little about ourselves. Frankly, it is all getting a little too predictable. The only times that I have ever felt uneasy is when I am starting a new school. That doesn't happen often, since I have a life where most of the people I see, I have known since I first started kindergarten. That is because I have resided in the same house since I was first brought home from the hospital. My dad often remarks of his jealousy over how we have such long-term friends since he and his family moved around quite often, and there were no cell phones back then to keep in touch as easily as we do now.

I do have some expectations for what this year will be like. I know that before we know it, it will be summer again, and it will once again be brought to my attention how fast everything moves. My few expectations that I have regard how people will see me. I want to be seen as an overall happy person. Maybe even a confident person, if I get up the guts to act that way. I can easily be my crazy self that nobody really knows about with my friends. With people I have seen but don't know, it's a completely different story. With them, I just try to get off being liked.

My brother is very popular with the drama society kids. This is mostly because he is one. As I type, he is at a play rehearsal. I have trouble keeping up with his friends. Most of them are highly energetic and talk about a lot of topics at rapid pace. They also keep a lot of inside jokes among each other, so after a while, I lose interest trying to keep up with all the topics that seem unrelated to me, yet makes complete sense to them. One of those 'you had to be there' incidences. Don't get me wrong, I do not dislike them. I very much enjoy their good humor and how down-to-earth they all seem to be. However, I feel that I can never reach a good friendship with them. This is difficult to explain, but I will try. You see, because my brother is such good friends with them and they know him so well, they appear to expect the same type of personality out of me. That is probably because we are of the same age, and to those unfamiliar with twins or triplets or however many there are, we are one and the same. Therefore I cannot have a conversation with a drama kid unless they know me individually without feeling compared to my brother. That is my reason for not being able to have anything to do with them, as much as I like them.

I do have proof to being compared to my brother, and I will quickly say now that this does not include everyone in the drama society, should anyone happen across this and read it.

I do not know at the moment if my profile says anything about this, but I am a percussionist, a.k.a., a drummer. I decided to join a couple friends and do this charity group thing that was hosting a local band night. We came up with a couple songs. I was just accompaniment, so I really only played for one song. After I went up there and performed, after the usual people saying how good they thought I was, which is always heartwarming, I got a couple accounts of people saying something like, "I knew you played drums, but I didn't know you could play!" Basically, they assumed I sucked. Not exactly something you want to hear. So I decided to perform in my school's open mic-night, which we call Cabaret Night. I sang Favorite Things from the film The Sound of Music. My brother also performed his own song, and he played piano to mine. My friend went up to me when she saw me next and said, "So now that we know you can sing and stuff, are you gonna do any musicals?" Since my brother is doing his first play, I feel that some expect me to follow. In my life, I do not expect to follow the same path as either of my brothers. I do not see myself as a musician by profession, though I do greatly enjoy playing music and would consider myself a musician at heart and talent, I'm just uncomfortable with improvisations.

I guess what I'm saying is, I am much more comfortable and happier exploiting my confidence with my trusted friends. Strangers seem to be the ones that judge the most. A good friend of mine who moved here last year once said to me that she liked it here than where she lived previously. She said that the friends here really look out for each other and stay together. In her other town she said it was more like one-on-one. When I think about it, it's true. We really do stay close to one another, even if a great secret is told, we encourage them all the more for it.  I guess it's a nice town to live in after all.

Week Two: Cakes

Last week, I attended yet another week of Culinary Underground classes. This week it was a teenage lesson about cakes. I would say that the week was mostly about how to properly decorate a cake, seeing as we only ever made one type of cake. We learned how to make butter cream frosting, but after that batch was used up, we just used the store-bought stuff, which I found to be a bit heavier on the sugar, which is good if you're into that, like my dad is. When I brought home a cake that was heavily coated in frosting, as well as inserted inside, he was giddy. I'm pretty sure he ended up taking about half the cake, and my brother the other half. I managed to get one wimpy sliver in the rampage. But that's okay, since I am the one with the recipe.

If anything, this week has taught me more than just how to decorate cakes, which it did. It also brought me closer to pinpointing exactly what I would like to do with my life that would best suit my happiness. The most important thing to me is that when I am living on my own paycheck is that I am as happy as I can imagine myself being. I want to wake up every morning not feeling obligated to do my job, but rather excited that I get to be  there again. If it feels like work as much as school feels to me now, then it's not for me. I will not be stifled into sitting at a desk all day. That might be good for some people, but ever since I was little, I have felt that it didn't fit into my lifestyle. I have always thought that I wanted my schedule to be orderly, but with occasional surprises that were fun. I don't mind being in a place where I have to keep running around to get all these different jobs done.

But anyway, we are talking right now specifically about what this past week has taught me about my future. I already have it figured out that I want to be in the culinary business. What I wasn't sure about was where exactly I wanted to go. Did I want to be a cook or a baker? Work in a restaurant or a small deli or bakery?

I now know that although I do have a talent with baking goods and I do enjoy it, I feel I would be much more content with being a chef. The recipes can be so much more random, and I don't have to spend a lot of time hunched over drawing out a design that cannot have any visible imperfections. I do have some artistic skills, so if I managed to get a side job working at a bakery, it definitely would not be a bad thing. I am just stating my career choices. I talked to one of the chefs named Liz, a woman who graduated from Le Cordon Bleu. She told me that my current choice for Johnson & Whales as a school was a good idea. She also told me that if I worked hard at the piping on cakes, I could probably get a good job. Apparently, it's a dying art. Most people nowadays want to use fondant (which is some melted marshmallow and some other stuff made into a play dough like texture) to place over the cake and carve out shapes from there. I find using the piping bags to create a much more elegant appearance. Fondant works best with the types of cakes that they make on that show Ace of Cakes, -- oh, I am being told now that the show I am referring to is cancelled. I wonder why. I really liked it. -- if you making something like that, then ignore what I have said about piping designs.

So bottom line, I wanna be a chef. I have faith that the perfect job is out there for me, and it's gonna be awesome!

Insert Title Here

I wrote this up in about two seconds. Lemme know if the message is thwarted because I was distracted or if it is any good. I love feedback!

[Insert Title Here]


What was once lost can once again be found
However, it will never again be the same as it once was
But that's OK.


Our hearts rejoice with each new endeavor, however complicated


So be well, my friend,
And nothing shall ever harm you


As long as you desire to live.

Summer Vacation: Hawaii

Hawaii, here I am! The land where they are known for their hospitality and chickens run wild. That last bit is something I didn't know until I landed here and we stopped at the grocery store for a few things.

Of course, when we landed, I was absolutely exhausted! All I wanted to do was drive to the house, find a room, and go to sleep. But, first we had to eat and buy things that would be necessary for living in a house, like food. Finally, we drove the distance to our house. However, as soon as we got there, sleep was the last thing on my mind. The house looked absolutely amazing! And it only got better the deeper inside we went. The first thing I saw when I entered the house was the giant window in the living area that opened up to the most amazing view. It was beyond anything my imagination could have come up with.

We have been here for a few days now, and there is so much to do! Today, we are going to experience a tour that takes roughly 3 hours. You go hiking, horseback riding, and finally, zip lining! I love riding on horses, even though my leg muscles are a bit sore from the day we spent in San Francisco. We walked around all day. My dad forgot the sunscreen, or rather did not think we would need it, and I have a huge sunburn on my chest and one on my nose. I was also wearing a necklace that day, and you can see the imprint of it on me.

Anyway, I really strained my leg when we went to visit this location that I currently cannot remember the name of. It overlooked the ocean. There were two of what they called pill boxes. They was used during WWII to scout over the waters and report if any enemy ships were sighted. My brother walked behind one of them that went into the forest and found that the back was open. So he climbed in and walked over to where they would have scouted in the past. I decided to go in after him. It was big enough for me to stand straight in, but I didn't know if anything was on the ceiling, so I ducked down anyway. My dad, the always cautious one, told us to be careful and we should probably climb out, so we did. While the entrance was open, there was a bit of a drop down to get to the floor. On the way back, it was harder to climb up. My brother helped pull me up, but my right leg was stretched out a bit too much when I put my weight on it, and it seized up. Since then, it's been a bit sore. But only a bit. Nothing can stop me from doing everything I can on this vacation (unless the car breaks down *knock on wood*).

My biggest worry is that I will become all depressed when we get back. It won't be as intense, I don't think, as when we came back from Florida. My reason for that is because we came back home during the winter, and it always looks so gloomy at that time of year. This time, I will be coming back to a bright sunny place where the weather is actually pretty predictable, or at least compared to here, where it will be bright and sunny one minute, then begin down pouring that is done within the next minute.

A Slight Case of Jet Lag

Ever since I have returned home, I have been staying up pretty late at nights. Understandable, given the time difference. I really did enjoy the chance to experience Hawaii and once again see California. You see, my grandparents used to live there when I was young. They moved closer to us, but we used to go down there for two weeks over the summer, at which time it never rained, as California is apt to do.

I find myself, however, reverting to something I will call jet lag. I call it that because I am not completely familiar with the actual definition of "jet lag," since I used to think that it only had to do with the fact that while you are on a plane, it is almost like your body is on pause. Then, once you get off, the exhaustion hits. I am now beginning to feel that it is much deeper than that.

It started in 2010, after my family returned from a 17 day trip in Florida and Disney World. When I came back, it was winter and where I live, winter always seems dark and remote, whereas Florida was like HD in comparison. A night after we had returned, I was in bed wishing that we were back in Florida where it was warm and sunny, since I had felt that I was just starting to get comfortable before being jerked back on a plane. I will admit, it was with such awareness that I was not where I wanted to be that I began to tear up. The door to my mom's room opened, and she called my name. I went into her room and we talked for a long time. I felt better after that and even closer to my mom. We had always been good friends, even when I was little and still in elementary school. All throughout my life, I have found that my mindset has been the same. I would come to think in the same manner, as though I have been the same age my whole life. I enjoy the fact that my parents and me were more friends than one in charge of the other. I have seen households where the latter has been true, and it saddens me to see the disrespect the child will hold for their parents. I see this most in parents that have been divorced and are living more difficult lives taking care of the kids and holding up a steady job. I can understand the stress, but kids need to know that they are loved. I suppose that's true with anyone. We all want to be appreciated and admired for who we are. What we first must find out is that we all have to believe that we can be admired. One does not gain appreciation when their mindset is one of disliking their body and hating themselves. You will find that it cannot get you anywhere. Confidence is your friend. Embrace it, since it feels a hell of a lot better than believing that you are not worthy for something that you could easily have otherwise.

So what was I saying before? Hang on, let me read back a bit...

So, back to my jet lag. Right now, I need to come up with a solution. Perhaps making a list of what I find useful and happy about where I live, both location and residence. I could always read a book. I have some summer reading to complete and the stories are interesting so far. I am happy to be reading The Book Thief, which is a book that has been recommended to me numerous times, but I have never quite gotten around to it. For history, I have been given a book called Outcasts United. I cannot tell you exactly what it is about, but I like it. Usually, the history classes will land you with a book that is depressing, and one you would really rather leave alone, but yet you are made to read it. I have standards when it comes to books, although I rarely leave a book before I've finished. I am happy to say that this year is different. Perhaps I will like my sophomore year after all.

The Flight Begins

Here I am, on an airplane traveling to California before taking another plane to Hawaii. According to the time now, there are about 3 more hours before we land. Could this flight GET any longer??! I have to wait until I can get into a wifi zone so I can copy/paste this onto my blog.

Not a lot of eventful things have been going on. I had to wake up at 6 AM so we could finish packing, plus the usual morning routines of showers and breakfast. Speaking of which, I'm kinda hungry. It's just an hour earlier than my dinner. Because of the time difference, my internal clock is just about to become confused, and just when it thinks it has got everything all sorted out, it will proceed to get all screwed up again.

And then there's the return trip. According to my dad, this is the longest flight we will to through, even counting the way back. I wish I brought another book. After the first 3 yours, I managed to get about halfway through. It won't last long at that rate. Luckily I managed to choose something that peaks my interest from my bookshelf. I chose this book called The Dark Hills Divide by Patrick Carman. It is the first book of a trilogy.

I also brought my summer reading book for history along, but that involves a lot of note-taking and paper, so I am going to save that for a time when I have more space to spread out with less turbulence.

On the plus side, I've got my music! Recently, my iPod had problems with my Rhapsody app. I could still listen to my songs on shuffle, but not if I wanted to find a specific song. My dad tried to fix it and soon concluded that the only way to fix things was to delete and redownload it, thus erasing all my songs. I was a little pissed about it for a while, and am now pledged not to use Rhapsody again. I have switched over officially to iTunes and YouTube. So far everything seems to be working fine. Right now I am just wishing I had thought ahead as much as my brother and downloaded a couple movies.

Returned from Italy

Today was the last day of this week's cooking. So for the last day, we had a cooking challenge! We were given a box of various ingredients that we had cooked with throughout the week. Our objective was to use all the ingredients in the box in at least one dish making a main dish, an appetizer or side dish, and a dessert. While we were allowed to follow some recipes that we used throughout the week, we had to change it in some way. We were split up into two groups. There were 11 of us, so there was one group of five and another group of six. I was placed in the group of six. I have to say that the other group was given the easier box. I mean, they were given a container of Nutella! There's a lot you can do with that! (they ended up making a crostata with peaches. Real pretty). For an appetizer, our group decided to make some Polpettine. I guess that's Italian for 'meatballs,' cause that's what they are. To change it up, instead of using ground beef, we used ground sausage, which was luckily one of our ingredients. Then some other people on our team made a sauce using onion powder, garlic powder, Italian spices, and seasonings to taste. When I tasted it, I absolutely loved it! I enjoyed the fact that they were bite size, which made them easier to eat. For our main dish, we made some gnocchi with a pesto cream sauce. It took a while to make simply because we had a great quantity. For dessert, we made Amaretti cookies, some of them sandwiched together with orange ganache, and others with an almond ganache. I apologize if I spelled that word wrong, I don't know how to spell it and neither does my computer. We added one other dish as a side because we had some ingredients left over. We made a Caprese salad. Our creativity overall won us the contest. As a reward, we were given each a ceramic paring knife. The other group got non-ceramic knives (so hah!).

This week has been very fun. Next on my agenda is Hawaii! I will be sure to take a lot of pictures, by request of my family. At some point, we will be horseback riding and zip-lining! I've always wanted to do both those things!! Plus, I hear the food is gonna be great, and I'm all about the food.

I hope everything goes well and it's as amazing as it is said to be!

Day 2: Florence

Day 2 of Culinary Underground is complete. Today we cooked food from Florence. As described to us all at the beginning of the class, Florence is a place that is a bit poorer than Venice. They are the only place that makes bread without salt. When we made our dishes, though, we did use salt. We learned how to de-bone a chicken and we stuffed the with pesto. We also made some gnocchi, if I'm spelling it right. I just used the spell check on that word. Along with that, three different kinds of cookies, along with their glutton-free versions, were made. It was really good and it filled me up enough so that I didn't need dinner!

Well, that's all I have to say for now!

Traditional Vienna

Today was Day 1 of my cooking class Culinary Underground. If you check out their website, you will see a picture of the kitchen that they worked in. This week is a tour of Italy and the dishes they traditionally cook there. Today was Venice. The very first thing that they taught us was how to dice up an onion. Now I know which part of the onion releases the juices that make you cry. Along with that, I know how to mince some garlic and make it into a paste, in case I want to make garlic bread at some point. Then we moved on to making a crostata, which is basically a tart. Overall, we made cristini, some risotto, and some other things. They all have Italian names, so I forgot some of them.  It was so much fun!

When I cook, I feel like I really know what I'm doing. Even though I had never made any of these recipes in my life, I felt like I knew what it would end up looking like. If they asked me to get something up to a simmer, then I would know exactly what that looked like. Maybe it comes from my history of watching cooking shows and seeing how relaxed they all are when they are in the kitchen.

So this morning I was reading an email form my good friend Sue, and I found out that my mom had worked in her aunt's restaurant for a part of her life. This is something that I had never known before. If I'd known, it would have been a great thing to talk about, and I would have felt more confident becoming a chef. Then she could tell me firsthand what it was really like.

Still, these classes are exciting me for the future. I know now that, with my current desires, being a chef would be perfect for me.

Tomorrow's class is Florence!

Going Live! As soon as I figure it out!

Life is good. It is, and will always contain, a sense of majesty. It's all a bunch of wonderment. What we go through each day has its own purpose. Not the purpose of some greater being guiding us towards some predetermined destiny. On the contrary, we guide ourselves towards the goal we had set for ourselves that is born from our wanting. (I figure that since this is my blog that I can sprinkle my beliefs in here as much as I want).

As far as going live, I have decided to do it! However, I have searched this entire site and have absolutely no idea how to do it. I can't find the button that allows this to come off the privacy setting. I may have to make an entirely new blog and re-invite my followers. That's fine and all, but it would all be so much simpler if I just had the one that I could update. I'm sure my computer expert of a brother Taylor will be able to help me out. He added a "reply" button onto his own, after all.

Tomorrow, I start cooking classes. I will be learning my way around different Italian dishes. I expect to have so much fun, and I will hopefully take the lessons I learn with me through my life here. I mean, it's making FOOD! How boring can that really be? Even if the instructors were doing all the cooking and we just watched, it would still be just like a cooking show, and I really enjoy those.

I want to brush on that for a bit. The fact that I like cooking shows, that is. You see, it makes me pause because when my mom was still around, she would always be on the cooking channels recording some shows and other times just as a nice background show while she played games on POGO. I think the reason I have turned so willingly to cooking as a career is because when I am in the kitchen, I am brought back to my memories of cooking alongside Mom; helping her out with dinner. I remember that on those nights, no matter what we made, it would always taste especially delicious.

I think so often about my future, whether it is the time I will spend in college or when I am done with that an onto my career. I have my own ideas for how everything will turn out (happily, of course). Right now, I am remembering how fondly I used to place my parents, especially my mother, into that lifestyle. I have been on the fence about whether in the future I will have kids. I feel I would be able to succeed as a mother, but I just don't want to have to go through what has been described as the most painful experience a woman would ever have to go through (thanks for that, by the way, Mr. Reynolds). I always thought that, if I were to have kids, it would all be okay, because Mom would be there to help me out. I know my dad will be there, but he doesn't understand me as much as Mom did. Plus, she gave birth to triplets! I would know that she was telling the truth when she told me how painless and simple everything could be. If a doctor tells me these things, there is no possible way I could believe them unless it is my second child or something.

But I don't have to think about that now. It's not like I plan to get pregnant in my teenage years. Hell, I don't even have a boyfriend.
It is so weird to think that I will be a sophomore in this upcoming year. Man, I'm getting old. It all happens so fast. I remember my first day coming into the high school as if it were just last week. More responsibility will be thrown onto my shoulders. I'm ready for it. I was born free, and that is how I will live. I will be laid back, expectant, and free as a bird (a bird that is not in a zoo, that is). It's just like that poem I wrote She Lives. I think I put that on here, so I won't type it up again. I wrote that because it is how I would like to be 10 years from now. By then I will be 25, a few years out of college. I've heard that those are the scariest times in your life because you have to support yourself, and even though you can trust some to float you a few bucks, you are dependent on yourself. You can take it one of two ways. You could think of how scary it is and just pray that you make it, or you can take it as an exciting challenge and see how wonderfully it feels to be out in the world, just like your parents. So many people are successful, so there is no reason that I can't be myself.

Going Live

I have been battling in my mind the decision to perhaps make this blog less private and let the world read what I write. I know I'm no poet, although I do write the occasional piece. The fun of it would be that I would have fans that would willingly read what I have to write. I have no idea what that feels like, so it would be nice to find out. It's just, the last few posts I have written have gotten no views. The reason I put things on here is because I would accept people to read it. It might be time to expand to a broader audience. I mean, if my teacher can do it, then so can I! Who knows? It might be fun.

Je Ne Regrette Rien

Today, July 5th, I hosted my birthday party. I invited five close friends, alas only four could attend, and we all traveled to this place called Sky Zone. I mentioned it previously along with a picture of one of the sections. The actual place is slightly smaller than it would suggest, but it was still pretty cool. I had been under the impression that this place would literally be a room filled completely with trampolines. However, it was more like there were different stations where there were trampolines. Ah, well, it's hard to describe. The good news is, it was still very fun.

I have never been one to make a big deal of Independence Day. This year was no different. I truly applaud that it was the day the Declaration of Independence was signed, marking our true separation from the British. I have always wondered how American accents were developed if we all derive from Britain? For that matter, how do any accents get formed? Did somebody just decide to start talking a bit differently and form words in a different way, or did it just come with the different languages that were spoken? I've never known why, but I don't feel a big sense of nationality. Perhaps that is because the social media makes it seem as though being a true American means that you are an obese capitalist that wants nothing more than more money; as much money and greasy food that you can get your hands on. While that might happen to be someone's life, it isn't mine. I would like to explore all the possibilities that our nation has to offer: the education system, the landscape of different areas, and basically how much we differ from other places. My interests have to do with the different cultures and foods. It's so inspiring to see how different people live based on the circumstances that they were raised in. How did our tastes develop to the way they are now? Back in the past when tools were in the making, people just ate whatever would present itself to them. No vegetarians back then! Well, I really can't say that for certain. Perhaps there were the few that would stick to the vegetation of the land and let the others devour the meat.

I've really lost my point. I know I was going to say something about yesterday, but for the moment I can't quite...

Oh yes! Now I remember!

Yesterday evening, I was done thinking about the 4th of July and had moved on to my party. I had lost of ideas and expectations for how it would go. I was hopped up on excitement. So much so that I awoke this morning at 8:30 AM. We drove home from my grandparents house, where we had spent the day swimming in their pool. My dad then drove us to the supermarket because I had an idea for making smoothies while we sat and waited for guests to arrive. By now, my friends should honestly expect me to make some food for them, purely because I love cooking and I would like it to be known. We finished shopping just as the store closed. There were fireworks being set off in the distance on either side of us, but that is now what caught our eyes on the drive out of the parking lot. It was the lightning and thunder bursting forth from the clouds above. My dad drove to a little clearing by an Intel building and we sat and watched it while we listened to hits from the 1940s on our SIRIUS radio. It was pretty awesome. Lightning is really nature's fireworks. I must say I prefer it. With lightning, you can feel a light sense of danger, because you know that within that burst of light, there is a storm. And I love storms.

Now, I'm not usually the sentimental type -- oh, wait, yes I am! I would like to say that I loved that night because it was a moment that I could spend with my dad. Ever since Mom's...y'know, I have been edging a little more for the attention of my dad. I noticed it especially during the tennis season. When I was out playing a match, I would look out into the parking lot to see if my dad had arrived to watch me play. Usually, his working hours made it so that by the time he came, my match was long over. Sometimes just barely over. I feel it is a natural state to put myself into. After all, it makes perfect sense that I would move closer towards the parent remaining physical. I just thought I would point it out.

Overall, I have begun to look at people as if they would die. Not as if they were sick, but just wondering how I wish I had spent the moment if I knew that they would die. I have mostly considered it with my pets and relatives. The same would go for my friends. While I have no regrets, it is fair to say that if I were to go back to the past with my current knowledge, things would be done differently.

Dream Theater Concert 2011 (this is really late, I just never posted it)

I completely forget whether or not I mentioned that I would be seeing a Dream Theater concert or not, so I will just do a brief overview.
On Monday, October 10th, my dad took me, my two brothers, and our friend Derek to Boston to see Dream Theater perform at the Orphium Theater. It was amazing!

I had only seen one Dream Theater concert before at this place in Worcester. We had to stand the whole time and it was really loud. I liked the concert, but this one was just so much better. I could just go on and on about it. So I will.

In the beginning, there was this animation being showed, sort of an opening credit type thing. All the band members were given a character. Jordan Rudess, the keyboardist, was a wizard, John Petrucci, the guitarist, was Zeus, James LaBrie, the singer, was a pirate, John Myung, who is the bass player, was a ninja, and Mike Mangini, the drummer, was a genie.

The day they picked to come down to Boston was perfect. Since it was Columbus Day, we didn't have any school.

Mike Mangini, being the newest member of the band, was very nicely welcomed in. I didn't notice anyone objecting when he was recognized. I wouldn't completely go out and say that Mike Portnoy, the previous drummer, was worse than Mangini. I think it's due to the fact that Mangini just has more experience. According to my drum teacher, he has about 20 years on Portnoy.

Food for Thought

Okay, so there isn't really any food. Sorry to have mislead you. I just have my head swimming with thoughts of all kinds and I just had to figure some of them out. To do that, I need to put some of them into words.

Okay, so the first thing on my mind is that I need a haircut. Nothing fancy, mostly just my bangs trimmed. There are a few other details that I want, but I cannot find the words to fully express them. I have long ago given up trying. I am currently at my grandparents house. My dad suggested that I get my hair cut while I am here. This seems like a minor problem, I know, but for some reason, I just feel very uncomfortable with the idea of somebody other than my usual hairdresser cutting my hair. Shannon -- that's her name -- knows what I am going for and knows what I want. When she cuts my bangs, she doesn't cut them too short so that they look ridiculous for a while, and she uses a special tool when cutting them that gives them a light choppy layered look. While I could easily tell somebody all this, I just feel that somehow they will get it wrong. It's happened before. I once went to another hair place that was less distance. When I got my hair cut, I had to tell her every little detail of what I wanted. If I had forgotten to say anything, then it wouldn't be done. What I like about my hair place is that they would always ask the questions, like which side I wanted my part, or how long they should trim. For some reason, this is very important to me, and I just cannot stand to have someone else cut my hair that I do not know. Well, I guess that figures it out. I will just have to wait until my dad can take me to my regular place.

Not a lot has been going on this summer. I've mostly been sitting around. Coming here to Connecticut has been the most eventful thing in weeks. The next most eventful thing, other than the struggle of getting our cats into carriers for their vet appointment, will be my birthday party. Yes, yes, I know, my actual birthday was way back in December. The thing is, there isn't a lot you can do in the winter, and a lot of people go on holiday for Christmas by the time my day rolls around. So, to leave my options more open, I have decided to celebrate my birthday with a party closer to my half birthday, which was actually yesterday. This party is going to be so fun! We are going to this place in Everett, MA called Sky Zone. It's a room of TRAMPOLINES!! Usually, I try to find a group of friends that will best get along with each other, but what does it matter this year? There will be trampolines! You can ignore people all you want and still have the time of your life! So there's that to look forward to. Next month, my summer really should pick up the pace. It's nice to have free time, but too much can get sooo boring.

Luckily for me, today is going to be warm and my grandparents have a pool. :)

Bon Appetite!

I have just discovered a new movie to add to my list of favorite films: Julie & Julia. I know the movie itself is not brand new Bhutan up until tonight I had not seen it. By now I am sure that I have mentioned to you my love of food and cooking. In fact, this summer, I will be taking a few cooking classes. That means that my family will get to taste Eng leftovers I may bring. Thanks to my grandmother, I own the newest edition of Julia Child's first cookbook Mastering the Art of French Cooking. After seeing this film, I have the urge to cook from her book. Julia Child's life is so wonderful. There is so much to it that, I don't know, I just never thought about. She and her husband were madly in love. It is so beautiful and lovely. It really gives me hope.

I really haven't mentioned relationships in this blog. I would say that I sm a romantic. I'd love a guy that I can enjoy the company of and just be happy. I like to keep my preferences vague as to keep my options more open. Sure, I wish I were dating somebody so I can experience this thrill that I have heard about, and I will ask for it to come into my experience. When I am ready, it will come. None of this petty crap that can come from the typical high school relationship I have seen. My life doesn't have to be a soap opera, where drama and frustration are the natural way of things. My life, simply, will be one of happiness and devotion to whatever I like.

 Life is whatever you throw at it. You get what you take from it. Not to be prophetic or anything, but it's true. So live like Julie. She wasn't completely happy with her life, so she changed it and became what she wanted to be. Now I absolutely must visit France!

Welcome to Cabaret!

Tonight, our school had its 2nd Cabaret Night of the year. After watching the winter's performance, I decided that it was time I let the world know my talent. Well, OK, not the world exactly, but a few people in my school now know I have a voice. I asked my brother Taylor to accompany me as I sang Favorite Things. As the night wore on, my stress and nervousness only continued to increase. Such talent all around. Everyone that performed was a singer, it seemed, or a performer in some way. Before I knew it, my name was called. I walked up to the platform and was instantly blinded by the spotlight. I didn't think I would last very long if I tried to stand while performing, so I took a stool and sat down. Taylor then began the jazzy tune he had acquired to spice up the song and make people wanna dance. I began singing with a shaky voice, but my confidence slowly grew. I began to look away from the microphone that I was staring intensely at and looked around, although I could see nothing through the blinding light. I liked it that way. It was like it was only me within the confines of the stage, singing to the darkness that accepted my voice and enjoyed it. When I hit the last note of the song, I could not even tell if it was me singing. The G note was held unwavering until it was time to release, where I let it tremor slightly before releasing it. The applause was well rewarded. I had so much fun. I cannot wait to do it again next year. Maybe I will even have enough courage to do something for the talent show, but that probably won't be for a while. My next focus is getting people to recognize me as a drummer, because I really think I could impress people when they allow me.

Just a Book and Some Sunlight

It would seem that I am perfectly content just sitting in a comfortable chair in nice weather reading a book. It's not something we think about much, the simplicity of things. Some feel that they could not possibly be happy unless something exciting is happening. Well, the book must be good in order for me to be so contented with it. For instance, right now, I am reading this wonderful book of short stories titled Masterpieces of Fantasy and Enchantment. They have all been compiled by David G. Hartwell. Today, I got up a little earlier than I had originally intended, since it was only Sunday. I usually sleep in pretty late, but on this day I was up at around 8:30 before I officially got up from my bed at 9:00. After I ate, I opened the door to the deck so the cats could enjoy the sunshine (you see, our deck is screened in, so our cats can enjoy the wind of the outdoors while remaining indoor cats). I grabbed myself a Peach Snapple, the best beverage in the world, and grabbed my phone since I was expecting to have other plans later in the day. There, I just sat in our anti-gravity chair and read the book I mentioned previously. Because it is composed of short stories, it is never the same, and therefore it remains interesting to me. And, as you can see, when I start reading books, I can type in these fancy phrases that I only use when I have just been reading. I remember one summer I spent most of my day reading books that I had found on a bookshelf in the house. It was a lot of fun, although I did not have a very good place to sit where I could stay cool other than the floor of my room, which is hardwood and therefore not the best place to sit. I spent hours wrapped in my own world of solitude and unicorns (these books are about fantasy, remember). My only pause was to decide whether or not I should adjourn upstairs for a nap or decide if I was hungry and should stop for lunch or a snack. I tell you, it was a day I shall cherish. Even more so because at the end of it, I got to spend some time with my dear friend Anna. Since she goes to another school, we don't get to see a lot of each other. I only met her last year, but I do think she is definitely one of my favorite friends, maybe even THE favorite friend, not to offend those I am also friends with, but seriously, have you MET her? She radiates kindness and gracefulness, and I happen to know that she has access to reading this blog, but that does not make my words waver. I surely and honestly mean them. So, Anna and I saw that new movie with Kristen Stewart in it, Snow White and the Huntsman. I think the movie was really good, but Kristen should really have smiled more. They described her, being Snow White, as the image of life itself, yet she always seemed so serious and conflicted. Other than that, I loved it.

Within My Grasp

This is an entry I was supposed to record on here yesterday, but obviously, I didn't, so I will write it today instead. Today is one of those boring days where you don't have anything going on, yet you feel like you want to fight it; stand up to the world and shout, "I will defy you, oh sunny day! You shall be avenged and I will do something today!" (I'm not really sure if those words convey the exact message, but they sure sound cool when put together). In fact, I would gladly stand up this very moment and say those words, if there wasn't someone sleeping just one floor above me.

My family really has no clue about my inner-craziness. Whereas my friend is able to belt out the lyrics to a song from AVPM while playing random chords on her piano and nobody would even giver her a second glance. They're just so used to it all that it's normal. Ah, what a life that would be.

I have decided to take part in my school's Cabaret Night this spring: a night where anyone who signs up can pick a song and sing to their heart's content, at least until the song ends, then you have to let the next person up. A great brother of mine, Taylor Benson, shall be accompanying me to "Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music. I just love the Mary Poppins songs, and this seemed like a good first step for people to being to see my many talents. Nobody really knows me as a singer, so it'll be fun to impress them. This version -- according to the sheet music it's the original -- has a bit more of a jazzy feel. I absolutely love it! It's not the traditional version that everyone is used to hearing, so they won't even recognize it unless they look at the program or until I sing the words. It really is great fun to sing about things that really do make me happy. If I weren't going to have fun, I would see no point in any of it.

Speaking of fun things to experience, I will be taking cooking classes over the summer a week or two before my family and I goes off to Hawaii (don't ask me which island, because I have well forgotten). That means I will be coming home with leftovers and knowledge of new recipes. I forget if I will take the Italian food class or the French one, but either will be a great thing to put on my resume and get me a future job. I don't know if I would call anything a career, because then it feels like I can only do that one thing, like I must be devoted to that. If I just say it's a job, then I feel more free to branch off from that and go towards other things if I want to do that. I may end up spending my life as a musician after all, although the idea now makes me uncomfortable. I absolutely love music and get a great joy out of playing it, it's just that there is all this pressure that comes with being a musician for a living. You have to make sure that you get gigs and earn a lot of money, or the whole things sinks and you are left with practically nothing. Both my brothers would like to go into the music industry, and I fully believe that they will go far. My grandfather once said that pianists were "a dime a dozen," and that may be, but none of them are like Taylor. His skill exceeds some that have been playing for years, at least in the improvisation department. And Alex is always improving his skill; trying out new songs and taking lessons from someone that has had his own success and has made many albums.

I wonder what it would be like, after college, when we all meet up again once we've settled, and see just how much we have changed; how independent we have become. With our own cars and everything! It's almost time for me to learn to drive, only a few more months, I believe (or is it 16 1/2 that I can start?). Then, the world will be further within my possession.

We Wish You Well

Yesterday, a student in our school died. When I found out by receiving a phone call from the principal, I went on Facebook to see what I could find out. I know a name: Adriel Gomez. Turns out, I even know who that is. He's one year older than me. I admired him for how differently he expressed himself and according to my English teacher, he was really very nice. I mostly just knew him as the "guy I sometimes passed in the hallway" as well as "the guy who sits at my lunch and is Katelynn's boyfriend." The day at school was extremely somber.

I didn't like it.

I know there are some people who feel they are suffering because of the loss of their dear friend, but I wish I had felt that I was at least able to smile. I enjoy smiling. When that is taken away from me, I have almost nothing, since I work off hilarity and jokes. After school, I heard from a friend that he had apparently hung himself in his room. His younger brother, who looked up to him like a father, was the one to find him. How scary that must have been. Well anyways, here, on my blog, with my friends, I would like to wish Adrien well. You were greatly appreciated and loved.

The Importance of a Team

I have come to realize that a coach is more than just somebody to teach you the sport. I see now that a coach is someone that you can trust. They are you confidant and reliant. You should be able to tell them anything and then they in turn can help you become stronger and more independent. I found this out when our school was playing Whitinsville Christian and I had a flashback moment that caused me to freak out. I do not know if I have told you this story, but basically, someone in the crowd said something to her daughter, some encouraging words, and I instantly thought about Mom. I started to have a panic attack. If I could have, I would have walked away right then to air out my emotions. But for whatever reason, I wasn't allowed to do that. Perhaps it is because that would be a huge sign of weakness for my opponent and she would then know that she had won. I just think they want the game to go by as quickly as possible so that they can go home and do whatever else they wanted on their April vacation.

It's true, I wanted a bit more out of this tennis season than I got. I think we have officially lost our chance at the districts, but I can't be sure. We have two more games next week, and then that's it. If we lose one more game overall, then we are definitely out. That doesn't really matter to me though, I mean, I'm only a Freshmen. I don't think I could last very long against those other schools. The only individual wins that I have ever gotten were against Quabbin. I know I have improved immensely this year and I only hope to keep getting better. Maybe next year, I can play like our captain Kaitlin. I find it amazing that she has only been playing tennis since she was in 8th grade. I know that she is a lot better than me and is also an amazing teacher. I think she is hoping to do some teaching after college, maybe come back to Hudson and work with their summer program or even help out Mrs. Weed, like Coach M. did.

I realize that this is Kaitlin's last year on the Hudson Varsity Tennis Team. I know she probably wanted to leave with a greater end result than we have been given, but we are still so close. Anything could happen. As long as our spirits our high, we are invincible. So Kaitlin, know that you will be missed, and we were always impressed with you. We all love you, that I can say is certain.  I hope you have a lot of fun in college.

Magic

I just found a section from the book Ask And It Is Given: Learning To Manifest Your Desires by Abraham-Hicks that I just found particularly interesting and I just had to further analyze it.

"if you have the ability to imagine it, or even think about it, this Universe has the ability and the resources to deliver it fully unto you."

After reading that, I paused.
"Anything?" I thought to myself. Then I thought about all those times that I imagined myself having the awesome super powers that trumped all others, like the ability to fly, become invisible, or pause time. I always imagined that I would feel joy when I used my abilities. How cool would it be if I had powers? I mean, without the sudden onslaught of villains and monsters coming after me every time you talk to someone. This is the kind of magic that doesn't just drain your energy or cause people to enigmatically combust if used too much. This is the kind that takes its energy from the earth; from deep within to give strength to the beholder. It is truly "ask and it is given." you ask for something to happen, and the Universe says "ok!" every single time.

When I think of it that way, I realize that I already have that kind of magic, as does everyone else. It's the awareness that allows people to use their powers. I myself am aware of it, bit have not yet figured out how to execute it. It's like in a tennis match, I have an idea of where to hit he ball that will give my opponent the most annoyance and put them out of position. But sometimes, I just overshoot or hit the ball into the net.

Someday, I may be able to change my emotions very easily and create my life with ease. I know it's possible. It just has to be. How boring would everything be if it were all up to a greater being? We would essentially have no say, making our lives a dictatorship. That's no way to live.

So cool! I have magic! Now I just gotta figure out how to use it...

Hudson vs. Quabbin

I had a particularly interesting English class today. We were reading some excerpt about someone's views on those who survived the Holocaust, including accounts taken from witnesses. One of the questions we were given asked, "Do you agree that a person always has a choice in the suffering he or she is forced to face?" I answered this question by saying hat everyone absolutely has a choice to the suffering they may face. It's all about the belief about their circumstances. This was a class-wide discussion, so I got to hear other's input, including some details of loved one's deaths. My friend went through something similar to me, only seven years earlier. Her mother got cancer and passed away when she was 7. She told us that her mother did bot choose to get cancer and was then forced to live with it and make the best of it.

Sure, her mother did not deliberately intend to get cancer, but emotions are powerful guidelines. They are the basis for all desires. My own mom did not ask for it, but it was the negative emotion that brought it forth. I have an idea as to why she might have been feeling negative. I thought that it might have something to do with how she looked. She was not completely happy with her figure and thought often about losing weight. Perhaps the lack of immediate results just took her down a notch. Once the tangible evidence of cancer is there, it is tough to get rid of since there is a constant awareness of it. Not impossible, though. Nothing is ever permanent.

So here I am at lunch, my favorite part of school. Okay, that's not entirely true. Wind Ensemble is way better. Especially since none of the usual people showed up to eat with me. That's why I have chosen to write at this time, so I have something to do.

Today is my last home game (or it was, since when I copy this online it will have happened already). I expect to win against Quabbin, mostly because I did easily last time, and they're on our turf this time. I am sad that we've only played four home games, soon to be five. Quabbin has been my only individual win.

Well, as I expected, I won my game! The final score was 6-0, 6-1. It was a different opponent than last time, though I couldn't tell you her name. Here was a point in the match where the ball was basically just going back and forth when I got an idea. I said to myself "You know, we've been hitting the ball deep almost this entire match. I wonder how she would handle a short ball..." With that, I was given a forehand next, so I lined myself up and hit a slice, probably the best slice shot I have ever hit. It landed very close to the net. My intention had been to run her up close and see how she handled herself at net. She ran towards the ball, then strangely she slowed down. The ball bounced once, but she'd already given up. Twice, and it was my point. Game.

During our break between games, we had a small conversation. Some of my opponents, I really think i could be good friends with them if they were willing. As we talked, we mentioned the hot muggy day we were having. Then, she told me, "I'm used to playing doubles. This is only my second time with singles. I'm not used to all this running around." In the moment, I laughed along with her, but my mind was deviously plotting. So she didn't like running around, eh? Well there was an advantage for me, since I am strong at net and have been described by my coach as "deceptively quick."

While I was not able to hit another awesome slice shot, the score still pleased me. If I served fast enough at her, she was simply unable to return it. Being used to doubles, she served from a little wider than in singles, so by hitting the ball down the line, I managed to gain a few easy points. Also, she had a tendency to stand a little off to the side, so I would hit it to the other side and make her run. It's so much more fun when I have a working plan. Hopefully I can work something in that will help my game against Marlboro tomorrow.

I am very proud to be on Varsity this year.
Kaitlin is a great co-captain along with Deanna, and Mrs. Weed is an excellent coach. I can tell that I have improved a lot since I first began as a shy little Freshman. I will miss the seniors, but at least I got the chance to know them, and I will do my best to keep in touch.

The Future

You could think that you have nothing to tell someone; nothing interesting or particularly exciting. At least, you could feel that way until you really begin to speak. It happens to me so often and so quickly that I can begin to jumble my sentences, or completely forget what I had been originally trying to say until we are on a completely new topic. My grandmother will sometimes begin talking about something else before she has even finished her current sentence. Some stories just have so many side notes that are necessary to the full effect of the story. It's understandable then that writers make many copies and drafts before they are happy with the result. When I write a story about a personal subject, I try so hard to put the right amount of depth so that they live in the story as they do in reality.

As I write this on a piece of notebook paper (to be later copied in my blog), I am essentially procrastinating. I am in the gap between handing in my current assignment and starting another, so I'm trying to stretch out the time. Oh, sure I do my work and keep up with the majority of the class. Don't worry about me, my grades are fine. Plus, this class is necessary for me to graduate properly.

Speaking of graduation, I have been thinking a bit about my future outside of high school, once I'm done. I have mentioned before that my current career desire is within the culinary profession.

A few days ago, two women came into my French class to give a presentation. One woman was tall with blonde hair and an American accent. The other woman was shorter with dark hair and had on particularly-distinguished heels. Her accent sounded Hispanic. Their presentation was about letting us know about either hosting an exchange student or becoming one ourselves. There is an option of either taking the entire year off, or just a summer. As they filled us in on the details, I began to think that this might be something of my interest. I enjoy speaking French and would love the ability to speak fluently, and I want to be a chef. If I were to travel to France between the time I graduate high school and go off to college, I could take a few cooking classes directly in France! It would be a wonderful opportunity. The program offers help to diminish the language barrier with Rosetta Stone and one-on-one classes. I could combine three goals in one!

1) Learn French fluently
2) Take culinary classes -- great for my résumé
3) Go to France!

My mom had talked about taking me to France when I was older. We would travel to different places together. Unfortunately, now that Mom's dead, my grandmother (her mom) has taken it upon herself to take me. Sure, I love her and all, she is just nothing like Mom. Thy never even looked that much alike. I just don't think I could enjoy myself nearly as much. I've been lightly thinking of ways that I could perhaps go with someone that I would get the best possible experience being with. I could go with one of my friends. Maybe someone will even want to do that program with me. I'm not even sure who I will keep in touch with after high school. With cell phones and texting now, it's a lot easier to keep in touch. I had been thinking of perhaps living in a place like Rhode Island or Virginia. Those places are really nice and more country than city, which I like.

It is nice thinking about the possibilities in the future.

The Appreciating Cat

Sitting at the desk while typing on the computer, the soft clicking rhythmic, until a mistake is made and thus it starts over again. A cat watches lazily, not fully understanding the motions that are being made but yet appreciates the determination of the one creating the words on the page. He sits, enjoying the warmth that they always share when they are together. He loves her, and she loves him just as much. Even though they can sometimes get on each other's nerves, for instance, when he starts to claw at the door to be let in or out, but that does not diminish the appreciation. He can always make her smile, and she knows just where to pet him to keep him around just a little bit longer.

Hey everyone! Did you enjoy my little story at the top? I came up with it while I was sitting on my computer and my cat Simon jumped up on my lap. Clever, huh?

In my English class, we have just started the term, which means that I will no longer have civics as a class. Not for the rest of my high school years, unless for some reason I failed. All last week, we were given packets that contained a story and in turn we would have to write a short story ourselves, using the different themes that were given. The first one I received had me write a story in a folktale kind of style, while the second one was a bit more difficult. It was a science fiction piece. They were both extremely fun to write, and even though the endings on them were a bit rushed, I think they made charming stories.

She Lives

For my Reading/Writing Workshop class, we had a substitute teacher. Now, in high school, when it comes to substitutes, there is no special treatment. The teachers always make sure to write very specific notes about what the class should do. I have found that they will even put down which people to watch out for and keep a close eye on. In a computer tech class I had in 7th grade, our substitute teacher was especially warned about our class in general. I know this because she straight out told us so.

So in this class, we were assigned to write a two paragraph journal entry on what we thought our lives in ten years would be like, which means that the year would be 2022.
After we wrote this entry, we were to write any style poem we felt that expressed these ideas that we had written down. At first, I had no idea how I would put so many ideas into a poem without making it pages long. Because the paper said we could use any style of poem we wanted, I decided to do a free verse poem that contained four lines in each stanza. Somehow, I managed to write and finish a poem during class and I think what I came up with is pretty substantial. Wanna see it? OK!

She Lives

The girl of 25...

Not much of a girl anymore;

She dreamed herself a future

That came to be her own.

The girl attained her dream job

As a chef in a small cafe.

The money flowed freely to her,

She easily paid off her loans.

So what does she do in her spare time?

Why, she lives, of course.

Dancing, drawing, horse-back riding:

You name it, she's tried it before.

Her aura is one of happiness

Everyone senses it when she speaks.

"How different she is," they would all say,

"From just 10 years ago."

There is but one thing she misses

That she can never have back;

The familiarity of those around her whom

she's grown up with since she was four.

She continues on, lively as ever

Letting nothing bring her down.

For what does she do with all her time?

Why, she lives, or course.

So what do y'all think? I made it in a little under 90 minutes, so I can't know for sure if it's my best work. In the past, I have created poems in a few minutes, and that was with a lot of inspiration. Perhaps it's coming back for me. That'd be nice!

Oh, the sun'll come out!

Tomorrow!!!

Up and Away

I have left my journal at home, which probably wasn't the best idea. Writing things out helps me sort my numerous and jumbled thoughts. This day is very nice. I am sitting at my grandparent's computer with a cat as a lower back pillow. It's okay, she doesn't mind.

The weather warms up with each passing day, and yet I have heard that the window for snow has not yet passed. How is that possible? It's February. We're done with the snow, bring on Spring. I forget, do you capitalize the seasons? You should, they're joyous enough to deserve their own attention. However, I do not think the seasons are proper nouns, so I guess I did that wrong. Ah well, I'm too far along to go back and change it.

I've been reading some great books lately. Most recently, The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I'm already on the third book, and I started the first one only a couple of weeks ago. With my lightened schedule, I have a lot more time to myself, for any of those that wish to hangout. I spend a lot of time either reading or wandering around on my way home. By wandering around, I just mean that I walk slower than usual and take a look at everything. My most joyous time of the day is my walk home. Not because it's the end of the day and I no longer have to pay attention to anyone, but because that is the time that I can take out my iPod touch and listen to my music.

Music is a way into the soul. There are so many styles and interpretations, it's endless. There is no way that someone can say that they do not like music. It simply cannot be done. Music, as I have heard it described, is poetry for the hearing sense. Even using the word "poetry" is a broad sense of the meaning.
I see poetry as something that makes a person's heart sing. They have to hear more, it makes them content. We are all poets, then. We can all see into the greater depths of ourselves and unleash something inspirational. It's a release. I have not found my definite poetry, for there are many things I love and enjoy, music being among them. There's art, nature, theater, and so much more. That's what makes it the hardest.

While there are many things I can take pride in and may sooth me for time being, they are not permenant, and sooner or later I am brought back to the restlessness of trying to find something to do. Nothing seems to completely comfort me, telling me that everything WILL be alright. The only proof I have is within my own mind. A mind that can create stories to the point of believing that they actually happened. It's strange, the thoughts that bubble to the surface when one blogs. Not a lot of it even seems to make sense to me at the moment, just words strung into a sentence that sounds good.

Anyway, back to the book. I love it. It's a great read and the movie will be coming out soon. I heard that the tickets are already being sold. How, then, am I supposed to see it when I want to unless I don't buy tickets right away? I would love to see how the director made the book appear on screen. I imagine a few details may have been changed, most likely, those of the physical appearances. That is alright, though, they will do what they can with what they have. Making a movie every bit as detailed as the book would make the movie very long, so I can understand if they were to leave some stuff out. As long as the end result is satisfactory, I am..satisfied. So the book is highly recommended by yours truly!

In case you're wondering, the title is random.

February Vacation 2012!

Hello Fellow Readers,
How art thou this February vacation? This time last year, I was off on vacation in Orlando, Florida. I remember bits and pieces of the vacation. I remember it was a nice chance to get away from the everyday life of Hudson. But oh my gosh, I would never want to be in Florida over the summer, I hear it's insufferable! (that means bad, right?)
This year, however, will be spent relaxing between my house and my grandparents house. I can feel the upcoming spring season in the air, even though there is still a chilly breeze that forces me to wear my winter jacket.

My new semester at school is taking a while to adjust to. Even though physics and geometry were difficult classes, especially together, I still miss the familiarity of seeing my teachers every day. Now, my only similar classes are english/civics and band. My lunch is even at a different time. They expect me to eat a meal at 10:30 A.M.!

There are a lot of flaws in the school's schedule system. For example, this semester has been like starting the school year over completely. Plus, my physics state assessment (or MCAS) doesn't even start until June, even though I've completed the class. That, my dear friends, is why they have decided to change the schedule. I hear they are planning on a 7 day rotation with 5 blocks each day. The classes are 70 minutes long, rather than our standard 90 minutes. The main downfall I see is that we will have to put up with a different lunch every day.
There was a student survey so we could put in our input. But most of us didn't even know about it! There was no mention of it in our daily morning announcements, and the teachers didn't tell us anything either. Perhaps it really was there all along and I just failed to notice it. That sounds like something I'd do.

For once, I had a day of school that really felt like a party. In my French class, we actually did have a party, which I prepared my famous cheesecakes for. In my last block of the day, Band, we watched This Is It, that Michael Jackson movie. I only had to work in my classes before lunch (although we did have to speak French to ask for food, or we didn't get any).

I can't wait until a friend asks me to hang out, because frankly, I'm getting a little bored not hearing from anybody. At least text me! Yes, that means you. You know who you are, you friend of mine. I would just like a conversation, it doesn't even have to include future plans to hang out. I'm gonna be at my grandparents until at least Thursday anyway.

Until then,
Au revoir, mon amies! a plus tard, a demain et tout a l'heur et au revoir (ha, now you have that song stuck in your head).

Not This Week

Christmas has gone and past. I know it has been quite a while since my last entry, but that is not uncommon for me to pick up on something weeks after beginning it. I like to be spontaneous and do whatever feels right in the moment. Not that it works out that way a lot of times.

With school and everything in my life, there doesn't seem to be a lot of room to move around and just be me. I read in this book that man has somewhat forgotten that we used to do things for the pleasure of doing them. We have since grown to do things because we think they will be useful and better for survival, or God forbid, we should become extinct. So you see, we must get back into the balance of doing things for ourselves. Not necessarily one on one, you against the world, but doing things for the purpose of having fun, or being proud.

I can see that this week is going to be difficult for me. I didn't think that I would be affected so much, but even though it has been a whole year, I do not think I am going to take it well. January 7 this year falls on this upcoming Saturday (which reminds me, Happy New Year!). At least I will be home for the event. Maybe I will even sleep through it if I'm lucky. I cannot bring myself to relinquish the past and move on. I am once again weary with the idea of even getting up in the morning, a dilemma I faced not so long ago. I do not like these morbid entries, but sometimes they must be done, to get it out into the open and to release it from myself.

I do not know how many of my invites actually even bother reading these. I don't really care. I enjoy the prospect of writing for a bigger audience. In a journal, it's all private unless you give it to someone. Even then, they aren't interested unless each entry contains a clue to this great unknown treasure. Still, it would be nice to get a head count so I know this isn't a complete waste.

I could always get rid of the privacy setting and let the whole world view this, but that does not sit with me well. My thoughts are my own and for the few people that I have chosen to share them with.

I wish I could bring a happier delight into these one sided conversations, but alas, I do not think I can. Not this week.

Perhaps next week I can shed a little light on the subject..