Color Me Confident

The scenery today is a glistening orb of amber. I say it's amber because it just rained, meaning that the sky is full of clouds. But there is a thin enough layer that the sun can peep out, casting an amber light over everything. When I walked downstairs and saw it for the first time, it almost seemed like a completely new world.

I have thought for a long time that I would really like to blog more. I put the website back on private, because I feel like I can type more freely if I know that only people I allow can see in to this side of the web.
Well anyways, I would love it if I blogged more. The world makes more sense to me if I can jot it down on paper or, in this case, virtual paper. If only I could find the time to sit down with my little Net Book that is currently the same purple as the pants I'm wearing (and my bed sheets and my wall! How strange is that? I hadn't even intended it). But alas, the life of a high school student leaves very little time to get your own stuff done. But that doesn't mean your whole life should be consumed by school work and lessons and community service and all that other stuff the guidance counselors tell you that colleges look for. For instance, right now, I am embarking on a journey of activities after school that I have never done before but thought I would enjoy. About two weeks ago, though it seems longer, I joined the school's Dance Team. A group of dancers are organized to perform during the Turkey Day pep rally and the Turkey Day football game. The people that get to dance in the pep rally are the better of the girls, since not all of us can fit onto the platform. And guess what? I GOT CHOSEN! It's amazing, really, because I'm not even a dancer (if you define a dancer as someone that has taken lessons and has lots of experience). The only time I have ever danced is this one year I did hip hop, but didn't enjoy it quite as much as I'd wanted to. And that was back in elementary school or early middle school. But me? on the advanced team?!?! I have been told that I really have a talent, which is good, because it's lots of fun.

Oh yeah, there was a second thing. Well, I also joined a play. We haven't really gotten started; we are going to do a read-through of the script late this afternoon. I found out about the audition the morning of, walked down there after dance rehearsal, read the part I was asked to read, and sang what they told me to sing. We did various scenes. It feels really strange to audition, I must say. But apparently I did well there too. I never thought that I had a lot of talents, other than being a musician of percussion and piano. I really thought that was where my talents lay. But now I come to find out that I have a lot more to offer.

What I'm ultimately hoping will happen is that as I get more comfortable with more people in my school, the younger grades not included, then I feel that I might just come out of my shell a little more. So many of my friends are able to do that, just let go of their inhibitions and go crazy! I really want to be able to do that. I do my best, but I feel very awkward. The first step, as far as I see it, before I can feel confident in the face of others, is to feel my best about myself. I want to feel healthy, look good, be amazing and awesome and the best person on the face of the earth. Well, I may have trailed off on that a little bit, but you can see my point, I'm sure.

Journal of Positive Aspects

I returned after a long lapse of time to reading my book Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires. I am currently on a long list of chapters that describe different techniques I can use if I like to be able to bring myself back to feeling naturally happy. Not that I have been sad or angry, I have just been feeling...weird is the best word I can use. Ever since school has started, I have not had much time to focus on much else, and my emotions kinda got the boot. So now I am making them my top priority. After all, one's success is only measured by that one's happiness.

So anyway, back to the book. I just read this chapter that strongly called to me. The object was to get a journal (mine is to be slightly used) and write Journal of Positive Aspects on the cover. With this book, I would write the subject of my good thoughts at the top and then list all the reasons why I love this item or person. It can literally be about anything. Abraham says to do this for 20 minutes, but I am not very good at limiting myself to time constraints, so I just do it for as long as I feel necessary. So far I've written about the very Net Book I am typing with, my stuffed teddy bear Stanley, and water. These are the first three things that came to my mind upon looking around my room. There are so many things that I feel appreciation for that I am sure this journal will be filled very soon. I haven't even begun to think of my friends, and I have many reasons for loving each of them. As I continue with this chain of good feelings, they will emerge into my everyday thoughts, until I will be able to find something pleasing in everything I look at. It always helps to gain a positive outlook on the things you gaze at on a daily basis. When this occurs, I will be able to find pleasure in just waking up in the morning, something I currently dread doing, just because my bed is so super comfy! I just wanna run to it and snuggle into my comforter just thinking about it.

You know what? I think that's what I am gonna do.
G'night!

It's a Nice Town After All

I begin my first day of sophomore year in high school tomorrow, if we must be specific, though I am not really nervous. Perhaps it is the repetition of having a first day so often that I do not feel the need to go over it in detail in my mind. I will simply show up, record the needed supplies for the next week, and then go back home to fill out the homework that always starts with asking us a little about ourselves. Frankly, it is all getting a little too predictable. The only times that I have ever felt uneasy is when I am starting a new school. That doesn't happen often, since I have a life where most of the people I see, I have known since I first started kindergarten. That is because I have resided in the same house since I was first brought home from the hospital. My dad often remarks of his jealousy over how we have such long-term friends since he and his family moved around quite often, and there were no cell phones back then to keep in touch as easily as we do now.

I do have some expectations for what this year will be like. I know that before we know it, it will be summer again, and it will once again be brought to my attention how fast everything moves. My few expectations that I have regard how people will see me. I want to be seen as an overall happy person. Maybe even a confident person, if I get up the guts to act that way. I can easily be my crazy self that nobody really knows about with my friends. With people I have seen but don't know, it's a completely different story. With them, I just try to get off being liked.

My brother is very popular with the drama society kids. This is mostly because he is one. As I type, he is at a play rehearsal. I have trouble keeping up with his friends. Most of them are highly energetic and talk about a lot of topics at rapid pace. They also keep a lot of inside jokes among each other, so after a while, I lose interest trying to keep up with all the topics that seem unrelated to me, yet makes complete sense to them. One of those 'you had to be there' incidences. Don't get me wrong, I do not dislike them. I very much enjoy their good humor and how down-to-earth they all seem to be. However, I feel that I can never reach a good friendship with them. This is difficult to explain, but I will try. You see, because my brother is such good friends with them and they know him so well, they appear to expect the same type of personality out of me. That is probably because we are of the same age, and to those unfamiliar with twins or triplets or however many there are, we are one and the same. Therefore I cannot have a conversation with a drama kid unless they know me individually without feeling compared to my brother. That is my reason for not being able to have anything to do with them, as much as I like them.

I do have proof to being compared to my brother, and I will quickly say now that this does not include everyone in the drama society, should anyone happen across this and read it.

I do not know at the moment if my profile says anything about this, but I am a percussionist, a.k.a., a drummer. I decided to join a couple friends and do this charity group thing that was hosting a local band night. We came up with a couple songs. I was just accompaniment, so I really only played for one song. After I went up there and performed, after the usual people saying how good they thought I was, which is always heartwarming, I got a couple accounts of people saying something like, "I knew you played drums, but I didn't know you could play!" Basically, they assumed I sucked. Not exactly something you want to hear. So I decided to perform in my school's open mic-night, which we call Cabaret Night. I sang Favorite Things from the film The Sound of Music. My brother also performed his own song, and he played piano to mine. My friend went up to me when she saw me next and said, "So now that we know you can sing and stuff, are you gonna do any musicals?" Since my brother is doing his first play, I feel that some expect me to follow. In my life, I do not expect to follow the same path as either of my brothers. I do not see myself as a musician by profession, though I do greatly enjoy playing music and would consider myself a musician at heart and talent, I'm just uncomfortable with improvisations.

I guess what I'm saying is, I am much more comfortable and happier exploiting my confidence with my trusted friends. Strangers seem to be the ones that judge the most. A good friend of mine who moved here last year once said to me that she liked it here than where she lived previously. She said that the friends here really look out for each other and stay together. In her other town she said it was more like one-on-one. When I think about it, it's true. We really do stay close to one another, even if a great secret is told, we encourage them all the more for it.  I guess it's a nice town to live in after all.

Week Two: Cakes

Last week, I attended yet another week of Culinary Underground classes. This week it was a teenage lesson about cakes. I would say that the week was mostly about how to properly decorate a cake, seeing as we only ever made one type of cake. We learned how to make butter cream frosting, but after that batch was used up, we just used the store-bought stuff, which I found to be a bit heavier on the sugar, which is good if you're into that, like my dad is. When I brought home a cake that was heavily coated in frosting, as well as inserted inside, he was giddy. I'm pretty sure he ended up taking about half the cake, and my brother the other half. I managed to get one wimpy sliver in the rampage. But that's okay, since I am the one with the recipe.

If anything, this week has taught me more than just how to decorate cakes, which it did. It also brought me closer to pinpointing exactly what I would like to do with my life that would best suit my happiness. The most important thing to me is that when I am living on my own paycheck is that I am as happy as I can imagine myself being. I want to wake up every morning not feeling obligated to do my job, but rather excited that I get to be  there again. If it feels like work as much as school feels to me now, then it's not for me. I will not be stifled into sitting at a desk all day. That might be good for some people, but ever since I was little, I have felt that it didn't fit into my lifestyle. I have always thought that I wanted my schedule to be orderly, but with occasional surprises that were fun. I don't mind being in a place where I have to keep running around to get all these different jobs done.

But anyway, we are talking right now specifically about what this past week has taught me about my future. I already have it figured out that I want to be in the culinary business. What I wasn't sure about was where exactly I wanted to go. Did I want to be a cook or a baker? Work in a restaurant or a small deli or bakery?

I now know that although I do have a talent with baking goods and I do enjoy it, I feel I would be much more content with being a chef. The recipes can be so much more random, and I don't have to spend a lot of time hunched over drawing out a design that cannot have any visible imperfections. I do have some artistic skills, so if I managed to get a side job working at a bakery, it definitely would not be a bad thing. I am just stating my career choices. I talked to one of the chefs named Liz, a woman who graduated from Le Cordon Bleu. She told me that my current choice for Johnson & Whales as a school was a good idea. She also told me that if I worked hard at the piping on cakes, I could probably get a good job. Apparently, it's a dying art. Most people nowadays want to use fondant (which is some melted marshmallow and some other stuff made into a play dough like texture) to place over the cake and carve out shapes from there. I find using the piping bags to create a much more elegant appearance. Fondant works best with the types of cakes that they make on that show Ace of Cakes, -- oh, I am being told now that the show I am referring to is cancelled. I wonder why. I really liked it. -- if you making something like that, then ignore what I have said about piping designs.

So bottom line, I wanna be a chef. I have faith that the perfect job is out there for me, and it's gonna be awesome!

Insert Title Here

I wrote this up in about two seconds. Lemme know if the message is thwarted because I was distracted or if it is any good. I love feedback!

[Insert Title Here]


What was once lost can once again be found
However, it will never again be the same as it once was
But that's OK.


Our hearts rejoice with each new endeavor, however complicated


So be well, my friend,
And nothing shall ever harm you


As long as you desire to live.

Summer Vacation: Hawaii

Hawaii, here I am! The land where they are known for their hospitality and chickens run wild. That last bit is something I didn't know until I landed here and we stopped at the grocery store for a few things.

Of course, when we landed, I was absolutely exhausted! All I wanted to do was drive to the house, find a room, and go to sleep. But, first we had to eat and buy things that would be necessary for living in a house, like food. Finally, we drove the distance to our house. However, as soon as we got there, sleep was the last thing on my mind. The house looked absolutely amazing! And it only got better the deeper inside we went. The first thing I saw when I entered the house was the giant window in the living area that opened up to the most amazing view. It was beyond anything my imagination could have come up with.

We have been here for a few days now, and there is so much to do! Today, we are going to experience a tour that takes roughly 3 hours. You go hiking, horseback riding, and finally, zip lining! I love riding on horses, even though my leg muscles are a bit sore from the day we spent in San Francisco. We walked around all day. My dad forgot the sunscreen, or rather did not think we would need it, and I have a huge sunburn on my chest and one on my nose. I was also wearing a necklace that day, and you can see the imprint of it on me.

Anyway, I really strained my leg when we went to visit this location that I currently cannot remember the name of. It overlooked the ocean. There were two of what they called pill boxes. They was used during WWII to scout over the waters and report if any enemy ships were sighted. My brother walked behind one of them that went into the forest and found that the back was open. So he climbed in and walked over to where they would have scouted in the past. I decided to go in after him. It was big enough for me to stand straight in, but I didn't know if anything was on the ceiling, so I ducked down anyway. My dad, the always cautious one, told us to be careful and we should probably climb out, so we did. While the entrance was open, there was a bit of a drop down to get to the floor. On the way back, it was harder to climb up. My brother helped pull me up, but my right leg was stretched out a bit too much when I put my weight on it, and it seized up. Since then, it's been a bit sore. But only a bit. Nothing can stop me from doing everything I can on this vacation (unless the car breaks down *knock on wood*).

My biggest worry is that I will become all depressed when we get back. It won't be as intense, I don't think, as when we came back from Florida. My reason for that is because we came back home during the winter, and it always looks so gloomy at that time of year. This time, I will be coming back to a bright sunny place where the weather is actually pretty predictable, or at least compared to here, where it will be bright and sunny one minute, then begin down pouring that is done within the next minute.

A Slight Case of Jet Lag

Ever since I have returned home, I have been staying up pretty late at nights. Understandable, given the time difference. I really did enjoy the chance to experience Hawaii and once again see California. You see, my grandparents used to live there when I was young. They moved closer to us, but we used to go down there for two weeks over the summer, at which time it never rained, as California is apt to do.

I find myself, however, reverting to something I will call jet lag. I call it that because I am not completely familiar with the actual definition of "jet lag," since I used to think that it only had to do with the fact that while you are on a plane, it is almost like your body is on pause. Then, once you get off, the exhaustion hits. I am now beginning to feel that it is much deeper than that.

It started in 2010, after my family returned from a 17 day trip in Florida and Disney World. When I came back, it was winter and where I live, winter always seems dark and remote, whereas Florida was like HD in comparison. A night after we had returned, I was in bed wishing that we were back in Florida where it was warm and sunny, since I had felt that I was just starting to get comfortable before being jerked back on a plane. I will admit, it was with such awareness that I was not where I wanted to be that I began to tear up. The door to my mom's room opened, and she called my name. I went into her room and we talked for a long time. I felt better after that and even closer to my mom. We had always been good friends, even when I was little and still in elementary school. All throughout my life, I have found that my mindset has been the same. I would come to think in the same manner, as though I have been the same age my whole life. I enjoy the fact that my parents and me were more friends than one in charge of the other. I have seen households where the latter has been true, and it saddens me to see the disrespect the child will hold for their parents. I see this most in parents that have been divorced and are living more difficult lives taking care of the kids and holding up a steady job. I can understand the stress, but kids need to know that they are loved. I suppose that's true with anyone. We all want to be appreciated and admired for who we are. What we first must find out is that we all have to believe that we can be admired. One does not gain appreciation when their mindset is one of disliking their body and hating themselves. You will find that it cannot get you anywhere. Confidence is your friend. Embrace it, since it feels a hell of a lot better than believing that you are not worthy for something that you could easily have otherwise.

So what was I saying before? Hang on, let me read back a bit...

So, back to my jet lag. Right now, I need to come up with a solution. Perhaps making a list of what I find useful and happy about where I live, both location and residence. I could always read a book. I have some summer reading to complete and the stories are interesting so far. I am happy to be reading The Book Thief, which is a book that has been recommended to me numerous times, but I have never quite gotten around to it. For history, I have been given a book called Outcasts United. I cannot tell you exactly what it is about, but I like it. Usually, the history classes will land you with a book that is depressing, and one you would really rather leave alone, but yet you are made to read it. I have standards when it comes to books, although I rarely leave a book before I've finished. I am happy to say that this year is different. Perhaps I will like my sophomore year after all.