To the Human Brain

There's no doubt you've all heard. About the shooting in Newtown Connecticut, that is. I heard about it a few days ago, and I am faced now with a puzzling emotion: confusion. One of the things that truly fascinate me is the actions of people. How they react and why they do certain things. So I find it annoying when I truly have no idea why someone would do something. From what I'm told, this man shot his mother before going to the school and opening fire on the kids. People don't do these kinds of things just because their gun was lying around and they were bored. No. So what then? Did he have a case of mental illness that caused him insanity? That's the only explanation I can deem plausible. Perhaps that's why I love Sherlock Holmes so much.

People are a mess of craziness and self consciousness. We are taught things in our society that make little sense if we were to remove ourselves from the situation. Like that stupid unspoken rule that girls shouldn't fart. It happens! Deal with it! (from a person that you now know obviously farts).  Somehow, inside our heads with its unspoken rules and its guidelines that other people have created for their own purposes and expect you now to believe, it makes sense. We are not stifled by this overflow of different opinions. I think most of us are followers, myself included. And I officially think I've stopped making sense about now. But I'm going to keep typing anyway. Just to confuse you.

 You may have noticed that I have begun to put pictures in the front of my blog posts. I am doing this because I was inspired by author Leah Cohen. You see, she does this in her own blog, Love As A Found Object. After reading her blog posts, I noticed that I was connected to her in many ways. I was first introduced to her because my Creative Writing class would be meeting with her, and our teacher gave us an assignment to see her writing style and then create a prompt that reflected that in our own way. She and I are so similar, right down to our writing styles. We both like to show off our large vocabulary, whether we think it fits, or we are making a conscious decision to the audience. In my case, I'm a big show-off. I like how words can be so meticulously strung together to form a balance of words that while some people may think is too much, other people will stand back, take a deep breath, and feel the words that you have just written. 

We are also similar in that her mother died a little while ago of cancer. We both revere our mothers as someone who is so perfect that she makes all mothers obsolete. In my eye, my mom was such a gracious being. She cannot be pegged as similar to anyone else, because she was her own. She was the very definition of beauty, not in that she had the perfect looks -- she wasn't very confident in her weight -- but rather she was a being to be noticed. She is beautiful and she is the most wonderful person I know. Being that she was my mother makes my connection to her so much stronger. I do not believe that I am seeing her out of proportion simply because I can't see her anymore. 

It helps to talk. But not about my problems. I despise it. I would much rather talk about what I had for lunch. Because food makes me happy. Trust makes me happy. I don't choose to live in a world where I have to constantly watch my back. And for that, I do not lead a stressful life. My life does not have to be burdened because I trust. My vibration tells the Universe and thus the Universe responds. You can always have what you want. Animals make me happy. They live a judgment free, "feed me" life that lets them live eagerly and happy, ready to accept. 

Sorry if I flip-flopped around on subjects for a while. That's what a free-write is. No rules.

Rainy Days Lead To Sunny Skies

Last year, I was entering a dark time in my life. My mother had died only a year previously and I felt alone, having found nothing to turn to in order to distract my constant stream of thoughts and emotions. In that year, I decided to attend the annual Snowball Dance, so that I could finally give myself a night to have fun and be with friends.

Things didn't turn out so well. When most of your friends have dates, you tend to be the odd one out; the one who goes back to sit at the table because it feels better than awkwardly standing, hoping that somebody will talk to you, or ask you to dance. That night, I finally decided that I might have a case, if even a small one, of depression. It was time that I stopped living that way and finally make some progress in doing good for my own life. My first thought was to see a therapist, so I told my dad and he got me one. A very nice woman with a lovely smile. I believe that if the given circumstances had not been the case, that being that she was paid to talk to me, we may have been friends. That is, if there had ever been a time when I would have met her.

I went to her until that following spring, because my condition consists of something called SAD -- Seasonal Apprehension Disorder -- so it only occurs in the winter. During that spring, summer, and then autumn, I dreaded the time when my depression would return. I realize my condition wasn't even serious or even the worse case, but was still a heavy burden to carry. For someone like me, who is mentally incapable of  showing malice towards anyone, the feeling was heightened.

But that was last year.

This year, my schedule has proven to be my salvation. I have recently taken part in the play The Laramie Project, and although the subject is quite serious, I must say that I am enjoying myself. I have finally met these people that my brother treats as family, although there are a few that seriously creep me out. In this past week, I have come to curse the schedule and how it keeps me at school until slightly past my usual dinner time, leaving me very little time for sleep and talking to my friends. But now I realize how much it helps me. The Snowball Dance is approaching once more, and I have no doubts as to my emotions. The storm has been ridden out, and the sunny skies await.

Crème Brûlée

I love creme brûlée! Seriously, I think it might be the best dessert ever. It's so light and the "brûlée" portion adds a nice crunch. Before last week, the last time I had one was years before. The only specific thing I remember about it is the blackberries that were sitting on the top. When combined with the already flavorful custard, it was -- oh my god -- it was like, well, heaven I imagine. Just recently, I was having dinner with my family at this lovely Italian restaurant called Tomasso. It was the fanciest place I have ever eaten. When we walked to the door they offered to take our coats. Then we were seated and fully taken care of. It was very nice and relaxing, although there were times when I thought I shouldn't be laying my elbows on the table or talking too loud, in case they kicked people out for that. Luckily they didn't. And I am left with a very happy memory.

Color Me Confident

The scenery today is a glistening orb of amber. I say it's amber because it just rained, meaning that the sky is full of clouds. But there is a thin enough layer that the sun can peep out, casting an amber light over everything. When I walked downstairs and saw it for the first time, it almost seemed like a completely new world.

I have thought for a long time that I would really like to blog more. I put the website back on private, because I feel like I can type more freely if I know that only people I allow can see in to this side of the web.
Well anyways, I would love it if I blogged more. The world makes more sense to me if I can jot it down on paper or, in this case, virtual paper. If only I could find the time to sit down with my little Net Book that is currently the same purple as the pants I'm wearing (and my bed sheets and my wall! How strange is that? I hadn't even intended it). But alas, the life of a high school student leaves very little time to get your own stuff done. But that doesn't mean your whole life should be consumed by school work and lessons and community service and all that other stuff the guidance counselors tell you that colleges look for. For instance, right now, I am embarking on a journey of activities after school that I have never done before but thought I would enjoy. About two weeks ago, though it seems longer, I joined the school's Dance Team. A group of dancers are organized to perform during the Turkey Day pep rally and the Turkey Day football game. The people that get to dance in the pep rally are the better of the girls, since not all of us can fit onto the platform. And guess what? I GOT CHOSEN! It's amazing, really, because I'm not even a dancer (if you define a dancer as someone that has taken lessons and has lots of experience). The only time I have ever danced is this one year I did hip hop, but didn't enjoy it quite as much as I'd wanted to. And that was back in elementary school or early middle school. But me? on the advanced team?!?! I have been told that I really have a talent, which is good, because it's lots of fun.

Oh yeah, there was a second thing. Well, I also joined a play. We haven't really gotten started; we are going to do a read-through of the script late this afternoon. I found out about the audition the morning of, walked down there after dance rehearsal, read the part I was asked to read, and sang what they told me to sing. We did various scenes. It feels really strange to audition, I must say. But apparently I did well there too. I never thought that I had a lot of talents, other than being a musician of percussion and piano. I really thought that was where my talents lay. But now I come to find out that I have a lot more to offer.

What I'm ultimately hoping will happen is that as I get more comfortable with more people in my school, the younger grades not included, then I feel that I might just come out of my shell a little more. So many of my friends are able to do that, just let go of their inhibitions and go crazy! I really want to be able to do that. I do my best, but I feel very awkward. The first step, as far as I see it, before I can feel confident in the face of others, is to feel my best about myself. I want to feel healthy, look good, be amazing and awesome and the best person on the face of the earth. Well, I may have trailed off on that a little bit, but you can see my point, I'm sure.

Journal of Positive Aspects

I returned after a long lapse of time to reading my book Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires. I am currently on a long list of chapters that describe different techniques I can use if I like to be able to bring myself back to feeling naturally happy. Not that I have been sad or angry, I have just been feeling...weird is the best word I can use. Ever since school has started, I have not had much time to focus on much else, and my emotions kinda got the boot. So now I am making them my top priority. After all, one's success is only measured by that one's happiness.

So anyway, back to the book. I just read this chapter that strongly called to me. The object was to get a journal (mine is to be slightly used) and write Journal of Positive Aspects on the cover. With this book, I would write the subject of my good thoughts at the top and then list all the reasons why I love this item or person. It can literally be about anything. Abraham says to do this for 20 minutes, but I am not very good at limiting myself to time constraints, so I just do it for as long as I feel necessary. So far I've written about the very Net Book I am typing with, my stuffed teddy bear Stanley, and water. These are the first three things that came to my mind upon looking around my room. There are so many things that I feel appreciation for that I am sure this journal will be filled very soon. I haven't even begun to think of my friends, and I have many reasons for loving each of them. As I continue with this chain of good feelings, they will emerge into my everyday thoughts, until I will be able to find something pleasing in everything I look at. It always helps to gain a positive outlook on the things you gaze at on a daily basis. When this occurs, I will be able to find pleasure in just waking up in the morning, something I currently dread doing, just because my bed is so super comfy! I just wanna run to it and snuggle into my comforter just thinking about it.

You know what? I think that's what I am gonna do.
G'night!

It's a Nice Town After All

I begin my first day of sophomore year in high school tomorrow, if we must be specific, though I am not really nervous. Perhaps it is the repetition of having a first day so often that I do not feel the need to go over it in detail in my mind. I will simply show up, record the needed supplies for the next week, and then go back home to fill out the homework that always starts with asking us a little about ourselves. Frankly, it is all getting a little too predictable. The only times that I have ever felt uneasy is when I am starting a new school. That doesn't happen often, since I have a life where most of the people I see, I have known since I first started kindergarten. That is because I have resided in the same house since I was first brought home from the hospital. My dad often remarks of his jealousy over how we have such long-term friends since he and his family moved around quite often, and there were no cell phones back then to keep in touch as easily as we do now.

I do have some expectations for what this year will be like. I know that before we know it, it will be summer again, and it will once again be brought to my attention how fast everything moves. My few expectations that I have regard how people will see me. I want to be seen as an overall happy person. Maybe even a confident person, if I get up the guts to act that way. I can easily be my crazy self that nobody really knows about with my friends. With people I have seen but don't know, it's a completely different story. With them, I just try to get off being liked.

My brother is very popular with the drama society kids. This is mostly because he is one. As I type, he is at a play rehearsal. I have trouble keeping up with his friends. Most of them are highly energetic and talk about a lot of topics at rapid pace. They also keep a lot of inside jokes among each other, so after a while, I lose interest trying to keep up with all the topics that seem unrelated to me, yet makes complete sense to them. One of those 'you had to be there' incidences. Don't get me wrong, I do not dislike them. I very much enjoy their good humor and how down-to-earth they all seem to be. However, I feel that I can never reach a good friendship with them. This is difficult to explain, but I will try. You see, because my brother is such good friends with them and they know him so well, they appear to expect the same type of personality out of me. That is probably because we are of the same age, and to those unfamiliar with twins or triplets or however many there are, we are one and the same. Therefore I cannot have a conversation with a drama kid unless they know me individually without feeling compared to my brother. That is my reason for not being able to have anything to do with them, as much as I like them.

I do have proof to being compared to my brother, and I will quickly say now that this does not include everyone in the drama society, should anyone happen across this and read it.

I do not know at the moment if my profile says anything about this, but I am a percussionist, a.k.a., a drummer. I decided to join a couple friends and do this charity group thing that was hosting a local band night. We came up with a couple songs. I was just accompaniment, so I really only played for one song. After I went up there and performed, after the usual people saying how good they thought I was, which is always heartwarming, I got a couple accounts of people saying something like, "I knew you played drums, but I didn't know you could play!" Basically, they assumed I sucked. Not exactly something you want to hear. So I decided to perform in my school's open mic-night, which we call Cabaret Night. I sang Favorite Things from the film The Sound of Music. My brother also performed his own song, and he played piano to mine. My friend went up to me when she saw me next and said, "So now that we know you can sing and stuff, are you gonna do any musicals?" Since my brother is doing his first play, I feel that some expect me to follow. In my life, I do not expect to follow the same path as either of my brothers. I do not see myself as a musician by profession, though I do greatly enjoy playing music and would consider myself a musician at heart and talent, I'm just uncomfortable with improvisations.

I guess what I'm saying is, I am much more comfortable and happier exploiting my confidence with my trusted friends. Strangers seem to be the ones that judge the most. A good friend of mine who moved here last year once said to me that she liked it here than where she lived previously. She said that the friends here really look out for each other and stay together. In her other town she said it was more like one-on-one. When I think about it, it's true. We really do stay close to one another, even if a great secret is told, we encourage them all the more for it.  I guess it's a nice town to live in after all.

Week Two: Cakes

Last week, I attended yet another week of Culinary Underground classes. This week it was a teenage lesson about cakes. I would say that the week was mostly about how to properly decorate a cake, seeing as we only ever made one type of cake. We learned how to make butter cream frosting, but after that batch was used up, we just used the store-bought stuff, which I found to be a bit heavier on the sugar, which is good if you're into that, like my dad is. When I brought home a cake that was heavily coated in frosting, as well as inserted inside, he was giddy. I'm pretty sure he ended up taking about half the cake, and my brother the other half. I managed to get one wimpy sliver in the rampage. But that's okay, since I am the one with the recipe.

If anything, this week has taught me more than just how to decorate cakes, which it did. It also brought me closer to pinpointing exactly what I would like to do with my life that would best suit my happiness. The most important thing to me is that when I am living on my own paycheck is that I am as happy as I can imagine myself being. I want to wake up every morning not feeling obligated to do my job, but rather excited that I get to be  there again. If it feels like work as much as school feels to me now, then it's not for me. I will not be stifled into sitting at a desk all day. That might be good for some people, but ever since I was little, I have felt that it didn't fit into my lifestyle. I have always thought that I wanted my schedule to be orderly, but with occasional surprises that were fun. I don't mind being in a place where I have to keep running around to get all these different jobs done.

But anyway, we are talking right now specifically about what this past week has taught me about my future. I already have it figured out that I want to be in the culinary business. What I wasn't sure about was where exactly I wanted to go. Did I want to be a cook or a baker? Work in a restaurant or a small deli or bakery?

I now know that although I do have a talent with baking goods and I do enjoy it, I feel I would be much more content with being a chef. The recipes can be so much more random, and I don't have to spend a lot of time hunched over drawing out a design that cannot have any visible imperfections. I do have some artistic skills, so if I managed to get a side job working at a bakery, it definitely would not be a bad thing. I am just stating my career choices. I talked to one of the chefs named Liz, a woman who graduated from Le Cordon Bleu. She told me that my current choice for Johnson & Whales as a school was a good idea. She also told me that if I worked hard at the piping on cakes, I could probably get a good job. Apparently, it's a dying art. Most people nowadays want to use fondant (which is some melted marshmallow and some other stuff made into a play dough like texture) to place over the cake and carve out shapes from there. I find using the piping bags to create a much more elegant appearance. Fondant works best with the types of cakes that they make on that show Ace of Cakes, -- oh, I am being told now that the show I am referring to is cancelled. I wonder why. I really liked it. -- if you making something like that, then ignore what I have said about piping designs.

So bottom line, I wanna be a chef. I have faith that the perfect job is out there for me, and it's gonna be awesome!