It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Which is unfortunate, because Christmas has already come and gone. Now it's just a nuisance. Especially because I will be getting my permit on Monday, and I would like to begin driving as soon a possible. I do NOT plan on going out on these slippery roads. Not until I have some experience under my belt. I can use that expression because I wear a belt.

There are times when I feel like I am re-using titles. I hope that's not the case, because this title really fits for that beginning sentence I had going there. Didja like that? I thought it was clever. But it's 11:00 on a Saturday night, so what do I know?

I have the full intention of going outside tomorrow and building a snowman, or perhaps a snowball fight if I can find someone to join me. Oh, to be a child. Even if technically, that part of my life is ending.

Wait a minute!

No it's not!

Why would I suggest something like that? That childhood is something that fades away, and you are left to look forward and face it, without turning back. What a stupid way to live. There are those that believe that you need to "act your age" and be responsible and independent. Well you know what? NEWS FLASH: None of that matters As Long As You Are Happy (I'm capitalizing it because it's important). Success is not measured by how much money you make or how many friends you maintain. It's measured by the amount of joy you feel. The rest of that stuff will invite itself into your life, if you allow it. That which is like unto itself is drawn. In other words, anything similar to your wants and desires will be automatically attracted to your life and experience.

And just to show how tired I am. I have the urge to let out maniacal virtual laughter: Muahahahahaha!

I should really get some sleep. For once during this vacation, I have a day to myself where I can sleep as long as I like and do whatever I like. And man, I plan on enjoying it.

Watch Out, America

Here I am before you now, one year older. I have in my eyes a vision of what I would like for my future, even as far up as after college. Nothing is specifically laid out; I just know what I would like to end up happening. 

So I am now officially 16. In terms of females, that means I am now a woman. In terms of the law, I have to wait a couple of years. Ah well. 

I have been taking Driver's Ed for the past week. It's this program my town has where there are a total of five classes from 9:00 - 3:30. It's almost as long as a school day, but it feels a hell of a lot shorter. Maybe that's because I get an extra hour of sleep (because of the weather today I got an extra two hours). Sure, it sometimes feels like a bit of a drag, but you will never catch me saying that it's a waste of my time. I don't even care that I had to go to class on my birthday because I know that I am gaining knowledge that will become a part of me for the rest of my life. After this, I am going to get my permit, then I'll be driving on the road! The actual road, with other people and rules. It's like being thrown into the middle of society. I'm a bit frightened, but more excited.

My dad let me drive his car for the first time. Being that I do not yet have my permit, and being the responsible parent that he is, he took us to a nearby parking lot to practice the basic driving forward, accelerating, turning, and I even managed to park! After the experience, I evaluated what I just went through, as my mind tends to do. I realized that the idea of driving had been much scarier than actually taking it out for a spin. After a day, I really want to do it again! I deeply enjoyed the sense of entitlement that came forth when I placed my hands on the wheel. I have never heard any of my permit-owning friends be so excited about driving, but I really can't see why not. It's freaking amazing!

There have been stories told to us by our instructor about parents who immediately take their children out on busy roads. The child then proceeds to become really stressed, and then never wants to go out on the roads again. Knowing this now, I have told my dad to take baby steps. We will start with nice calm areas of town and work our way up. Plus, my dad pointed out, the back roads will give me good practice of hills. I plan to become a safe and defensive driver. Not only that: I plan to have fun while being a safe and defensive driver. In the words of my 7th grade English teacher Mr. Reynolds, there is no feeling like that of driving. (I'm remembering all the way back to 7th grade, so I don't think that's exactly how he worded it, but based on his usual speaking voice, I can guess that it was pretty close). I mean, what could you possibly compare the feeling of controlling a vehicle that takes you faster than walking? I haven't found it yet. I can't even come up with a good analogy to even tell anyone what driving is like.

So with these final thoughts I bid thee adieu. May your journey be safe and infinitely joyous. (I'm gonna use this for now on whenever I can't find an adequate way to sum everything up). 

Merry Christmas To All

Two years. That's how long it took for me to feel like myself again. Sure, there are still instances where I am disconnected from Who I Really Am, but for the most part, I think I can really focus on being happy with less regret.

Wanna know how I know?

It all has to do with Christmas. That's right, this merry holiday that allows adults to be children and children to get one sleepless night of pure imagination and magic. I've decided that, if given the choice between telling my future kids if Santa Claus exists or not, I will tell them he does. I had so much fun imagining him and his reindeer when I was little.
But anyway, as I was saying, Christmas this year is what leads me to believe that I am okay. Better than okay. Last year, I couldn't really get into the full spirit. I was happy to spend Christmas Eve with my family, but there was a cloud of despair hanging over us that we were trying to ignore, yet it managed to hang in our minds, like icicles.

But this year, I feel, will be different. I can just feel it. I have even been sneaking glances under the tree, trying to figure out which presents are mine. I've been practically giddy about the whole thing.
I've also had the responsibility of finding presents for my friends. They also got my homemade cheesecakes, which is be becoming a fast favorite. Along the road, I have found that I am a giver. I absolutely love giving people presents, because I want to make them feel happy. The cheesecakes are exhausting to make in that it involves a lot of standing around, and it's almost torture not being able to eat one...or ten. But all the same, I love doing it. Food brings smiles to people's faces. In the cooking class I took over the summer, we became close over our cooking. There's so much life that caught me off guard at first; I wasn't expecting so much love.

So obviously I have chosen to become a chef. Along with the reasons I have listed previously, I also love cooking because when I am in the kitchen creating something, I feel the most connected to Mom. I am brought back to those nights when she invited me into the kitchen to help her make dinner. And you know what? It always tasted better those nights. From wonderfully delicious to spectacular and intoxicating.

I would like to start a tradition of my own someday. I want my family to come over to my nicely sized house with its huge gourmet kitchen (that's my plan for my future home, in case someone thought I was actually bragging about my current home. My reality kitchen is pretty tiny. We never host holidays). My family would come in and we would all cook together, little kids excluded unless they want otherwise. We would all come together with our own recipes and goodies. The kitchen would be crowded and busy. And wonderful. I imagine us all talking and laughing, catching up on old times. Everyone would be opened up to a world of openness when they walk into my house. Then we'd all sit down at the decoratively set table, and the endless string of compliments over each dish would begin, spreading warmth through the at atmosphere.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

To the Human Brain

There's no doubt you've all heard. About the shooting in Newtown Connecticut, that is. I heard about it a few days ago, and I am faced now with a puzzling emotion: confusion. One of the things that truly fascinate me is the actions of people. How they react and why they do certain things. So I find it annoying when I truly have no idea why someone would do something. From what I'm told, this man shot his mother before going to the school and opening fire on the kids. People don't do these kinds of things just because their gun was lying around and they were bored. No. So what then? Did he have a case of mental illness that caused him insanity? That's the only explanation I can deem plausible. Perhaps that's why I love Sherlock Holmes so much.

People are a mess of craziness and self consciousness. We are taught things in our society that make little sense if we were to remove ourselves from the situation. Like that stupid unspoken rule that girls shouldn't fart. It happens! Deal with it! (from a person that you now know obviously farts).  Somehow, inside our heads with its unspoken rules and its guidelines that other people have created for their own purposes and expect you now to believe, it makes sense. We are not stifled by this overflow of different opinions. I think most of us are followers, myself included. And I officially think I've stopped making sense about now. But I'm going to keep typing anyway. Just to confuse you.

 You may have noticed that I have begun to put pictures in the front of my blog posts. I am doing this because I was inspired by author Leah Cohen. You see, she does this in her own blog, Love As A Found Object. After reading her blog posts, I noticed that I was connected to her in many ways. I was first introduced to her because my Creative Writing class would be meeting with her, and our teacher gave us an assignment to see her writing style and then create a prompt that reflected that in our own way. She and I are so similar, right down to our writing styles. We both like to show off our large vocabulary, whether we think it fits, or we are making a conscious decision to the audience. In my case, I'm a big show-off. I like how words can be so meticulously strung together to form a balance of words that while some people may think is too much, other people will stand back, take a deep breath, and feel the words that you have just written. 

We are also similar in that her mother died a little while ago of cancer. We both revere our mothers as someone who is so perfect that she makes all mothers obsolete. In my eye, my mom was such a gracious being. She cannot be pegged as similar to anyone else, because she was her own. She was the very definition of beauty, not in that she had the perfect looks -- she wasn't very confident in her weight -- but rather she was a being to be noticed. She is beautiful and she is the most wonderful person I know. Being that she was my mother makes my connection to her so much stronger. I do not believe that I am seeing her out of proportion simply because I can't see her anymore. 

It helps to talk. But not about my problems. I despise it. I would much rather talk about what I had for lunch. Because food makes me happy. Trust makes me happy. I don't choose to live in a world where I have to constantly watch my back. And for that, I do not lead a stressful life. My life does not have to be burdened because I trust. My vibration tells the Universe and thus the Universe responds. You can always have what you want. Animals make me happy. They live a judgment free, "feed me" life that lets them live eagerly and happy, ready to accept. 

Sorry if I flip-flopped around on subjects for a while. That's what a free-write is. No rules.

Rainy Days Lead To Sunny Skies

Last year, I was entering a dark time in my life. My mother had died only a year previously and I felt alone, having found nothing to turn to in order to distract my constant stream of thoughts and emotions. In that year, I decided to attend the annual Snowball Dance, so that I could finally give myself a night to have fun and be with friends.

Things didn't turn out so well. When most of your friends have dates, you tend to be the odd one out; the one who goes back to sit at the table because it feels better than awkwardly standing, hoping that somebody will talk to you, or ask you to dance. That night, I finally decided that I might have a case, if even a small one, of depression. It was time that I stopped living that way and finally make some progress in doing good for my own life. My first thought was to see a therapist, so I told my dad and he got me one. A very nice woman with a lovely smile. I believe that if the given circumstances had not been the case, that being that she was paid to talk to me, we may have been friends. That is, if there had ever been a time when I would have met her.

I went to her until that following spring, because my condition consists of something called SAD -- Seasonal Apprehension Disorder -- so it only occurs in the winter. During that spring, summer, and then autumn, I dreaded the time when my depression would return. I realize my condition wasn't even serious or even the worse case, but was still a heavy burden to carry. For someone like me, who is mentally incapable of  showing malice towards anyone, the feeling was heightened.

But that was last year.

This year, my schedule has proven to be my salvation. I have recently taken part in the play The Laramie Project, and although the subject is quite serious, I must say that I am enjoying myself. I have finally met these people that my brother treats as family, although there are a few that seriously creep me out. In this past week, I have come to curse the schedule and how it keeps me at school until slightly past my usual dinner time, leaving me very little time for sleep and talking to my friends. But now I realize how much it helps me. The Snowball Dance is approaching once more, and I have no doubts as to my emotions. The storm has been ridden out, and the sunny skies await.

Crème Brûlée

I love creme brûlée! Seriously, I think it might be the best dessert ever. It's so light and the "brûlée" portion adds a nice crunch. Before last week, the last time I had one was years before. The only specific thing I remember about it is the blackberries that were sitting on the top. When combined with the already flavorful custard, it was -- oh my god -- it was like, well, heaven I imagine. Just recently, I was having dinner with my family at this lovely Italian restaurant called Tomasso. It was the fanciest place I have ever eaten. When we walked to the door they offered to take our coats. Then we were seated and fully taken care of. It was very nice and relaxing, although there were times when I thought I shouldn't be laying my elbows on the table or talking too loud, in case they kicked people out for that. Luckily they didn't. And I am left with a very happy memory.

Color Me Confident

The scenery today is a glistening orb of amber. I say it's amber because it just rained, meaning that the sky is full of clouds. But there is a thin enough layer that the sun can peep out, casting an amber light over everything. When I walked downstairs and saw it for the first time, it almost seemed like a completely new world.

I have thought for a long time that I would really like to blog more. I put the website back on private, because I feel like I can type more freely if I know that only people I allow can see in to this side of the web.
Well anyways, I would love it if I blogged more. The world makes more sense to me if I can jot it down on paper or, in this case, virtual paper. If only I could find the time to sit down with my little Net Book that is currently the same purple as the pants I'm wearing (and my bed sheets and my wall! How strange is that? I hadn't even intended it). But alas, the life of a high school student leaves very little time to get your own stuff done. But that doesn't mean your whole life should be consumed by school work and lessons and community service and all that other stuff the guidance counselors tell you that colleges look for. For instance, right now, I am embarking on a journey of activities after school that I have never done before but thought I would enjoy. About two weeks ago, though it seems longer, I joined the school's Dance Team. A group of dancers are organized to perform during the Turkey Day pep rally and the Turkey Day football game. The people that get to dance in the pep rally are the better of the girls, since not all of us can fit onto the platform. And guess what? I GOT CHOSEN! It's amazing, really, because I'm not even a dancer (if you define a dancer as someone that has taken lessons and has lots of experience). The only time I have ever danced is this one year I did hip hop, but didn't enjoy it quite as much as I'd wanted to. And that was back in elementary school or early middle school. But me? on the advanced team?!?! I have been told that I really have a talent, which is good, because it's lots of fun.

Oh yeah, there was a second thing. Well, I also joined a play. We haven't really gotten started; we are going to do a read-through of the script late this afternoon. I found out about the audition the morning of, walked down there after dance rehearsal, read the part I was asked to read, and sang what they told me to sing. We did various scenes. It feels really strange to audition, I must say. But apparently I did well there too. I never thought that I had a lot of talents, other than being a musician of percussion and piano. I really thought that was where my talents lay. But now I come to find out that I have a lot more to offer.

What I'm ultimately hoping will happen is that as I get more comfortable with more people in my school, the younger grades not included, then I feel that I might just come out of my shell a little more. So many of my friends are able to do that, just let go of their inhibitions and go crazy! I really want to be able to do that. I do my best, but I feel very awkward. The first step, as far as I see it, before I can feel confident in the face of others, is to feel my best about myself. I want to feel healthy, look good, be amazing and awesome and the best person on the face of the earth. Well, I may have trailed off on that a little bit, but you can see my point, I'm sure.